If you're reading this, American Idol is over, and four young (ahem) singers have had their dreams dashed in front of 30 million people. My guess is Jason Yeager, Robbie Carrico, Amanda Overmyer and Kady Malloy. I know, I know, this is totally against what I said last week, but that's the issue with live TV. This experiment isn't being conducted in a vacuum. It's being conducted in front of the entire country, every week. Things change. People can't handle the pressure. People get exposed for wearing wigs when they pretend to be rockers.
Oh, you didn't hear? Robbie Carrico, according to TMZ, is wearing a giant wig. That said, this came out after he performed, terribly at that. So his exposure as a fraud won't hurt him until next week....if there is a next week.
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Regardless of who goes this week, I want to talk about who these people are. Each year, the judges (and producers) try to find a cross section of talent that will appeal to the widest range of people. But lets go back to the beginning. The talent was terrible in the first few seasons. It was a fun show where someone came from nowhere to stardom, but the show really had no viable talent. And a show with no talent could only last so long, right? After a few years, the show would have fallen off the map without viable, and marketable talent.
The producers decided to raise the age limit to get people on the show with more polish and professionalism. The problem is, it didn't work. The talent was still too thin, and the show's popularity hinged on the interplay between the judges. In recent seasons, when that interaction got stale, producers decided to create a back and forth between Seacrest (out) and Simon. The good thing about that 'rivalry' is that they are both very good at playing their parts. There aren't any 'dogs' 'mans' or 'yo yo yo's. And since neither of the two are consistently doped up on pain killers, the banter is somewhat coherent.
Flash forward to this year. The producers became move involved this season to make it "the most talented final 24 in the history of the show." Did we mention the talent is the best ever? Seriously, it's the best talent ever.
If we say it enough, you'll start to believe it. I am a handsome man. Just wanted to throw that one in, in case you are THAT impressionable.
I say this all the time. The show has gone from mid-season replacement to the number one show on TV. The contestants went from finalists we can't remember to people not even in the top 24 getting gigs on Ellen. The show is nebulous. It grows bigger and bigger each week as the cast gets smaller and smaller. And as Simon said this week, it's not about the criticism, but rather, what the contestants do with that criticism. Well, contrary to what the judges want us to think, their opinions aren't the only ones that matter.
Think about how different a person performs the week after he or she is in the final two, yet found safe for another week. Some come out shell shocked and are quick to go. Some take it as a challenge and come out on fire the next week to prove America they deserve to stick around.
it goes both ways as well. Contestants can become fat with praise and come out too cocky a week after being one of the best. The show gets inside their heads. But for this season, it's too early for these singers to hold on to positive praise from week to week. Nobody in America knows anything about half the cast yet, so it's hard to figure from week to week. You have to be good each time out, and if you're not....we'll you're going home.
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So with the popularity of the show, comes each year a bevy of contestants looking for the quick path to super stardom. I guess you can't blame them. Fox and the producers are using them to make billions, so they may as well use Fox and the producers right back. But the younger crop of contestants are a little different. There are eight people in the top 24 under the age of 20, which means that some of them were younger than 10 years old when this show started. Take David Archuletta...he's been singing since he was a tiny boy (well, tinier boy) and shows like this – and a less successful incarnate of Star Search – in hope that he'd be...you guessed it...the NEXT American Idol. Hell, he even sang Imagine on a TV show in Utah when he was 13. He isn't real. He's been bred to be a professional celebrity, from the time he was able to speak, let alone carry a tune. He's reached his literal pot of gold at the end of this magical rainbow he calls Idol. And he's not the only one.
For many of these contestants – those who got into the finals and thousands who didn't – THIS has been their dream since they started having dreams. American Idol is all they know. It's kinda sad. But in a way, sweet.
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Okay........I've been watching the show while writing this. So let's get to the recap. Yeager is gone. Thankfully, that's no surprise. Next, it's Overmyer and Alexandrea Lushington. I thought they both might be the bottom two, but I figured Lushington would stick around another week. Well, I was wrong. Overmyer is safe.
Back from the break they keep the girls on the couch. It's down to the two teens, Alaina and Kady. Everyone in America knows Kady is gone. Kady even knows Kady is gone. Her body language is as bad as anyone ever in the history of the show. And she's safe. In the first shocker of the season, Alaina is gone. There goes my (and Simon's) dark horse. She can barely stand, let alone sing. I know she's only 17, but does she realize she has the chance to sing in front of 30 million people? She MUST sing. And after many, many tears, she sings with the help of the rest of the ladies. I think Kady just threw up in the back. Wow.
Seacrest (out) announces that the final 12 will FINALLY sing the Lennon McCartney song book. Finally, after six years. He also announced that Idol will be giving back again this year. Awesome.
Final guy out is in fact Robbie. Now he can get that hair cut. The video montage showed a few interesting things. Jason Yeager's hair was normal when he auditioned. He PUT THAT BLONDE STREAK IN BEFORE HE WENT TO HOLLYWOOD. Did he think THAT would make him stand out? Wow. Just wow. I'm so happy he's gone. I'm happy Robbie's gone (even though I figured his planted nature would give him a free pass into the finals). I'm shocked about Alaina, and a bit surprised about the Lush (I didn't even get enough time to give her a good nickname). But I was close with the women, as both the women I thought would be gone were in the respective bottom two.
What does this teach us? Well, it teaches us that no matter how many people you have in your corner...no matter how many of your agents get you in front of the lines of 10,000 people...no matter how many judges used to be your A&R reps...nobody is safe.
And that's a good thing.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
American Idol - Top 24 Handicapping
The American Idol blog is back by popular demand. Well, one guy who used to read my blog a few seasons ago asked me to bring it back, so we GOT THE BAND BACK TOGETHER just for him. And you, Mr. and Mrs. Reader.
Let's get right to it. This year is a make or break year for Idol. It's a machine at this point, but when have you ever seen a show last this long without being completely scrutinized at every turn, or falling off the face of the pop culture Earth. Sure, there is the occasional show that stays relevant after that period of time, but how long do you expect a show with people singing karaoke, and then being told by a crotchety (my favorite word, by far) judge that they are doing just that. It has to get old at some point, doesn't it? Furthermore, the problems with the show do not start, nor end with Simon, but rather with the two people sitting to his right. They have become nothing more than shills for the machine that is American Idol, and Fox.
There are 24 contestants still remaining, with four being cut tonight. For some reason, even after they ruined last year by making the final 12 half men and half women – I hasten to say boys and girls here because some of the contestants are closer to fathering a teenager than being one – the producers decided to once again segregate the cast by gender. When they get down to the final 12, we'll be subjected to four or five competent female singers, two male singers trying to keep up, and half a stage full of cannon fodder.
Which brings us to the next three weeks. It has been widely discussed online that many in the cast are hand-picked plants in order to ensure the show's safety from being hijacked by the likes of Sanjaya. That's why the nerdy kid who wants to be a politician didn't get in, much to Simon's chagrin. That's why Josiah didn't get in. That little kid in the house on wheels will be a sensation for 15 or so minutes, but he would have stolen this season the likes that Chicken Little could only dream. The best thing for him, and the show, was not getting into the finals.
So who did get in? Well, the plants are abundant, and it's obvious the producers have four guys in mind for the final 12. Which means there will only be two spots open for eight guys. The women's division is as rigged as the men's, but those hand-picked few aren't as good as the producers hoped. So that side of the ledger is a little more wide open.
Let's get to it. Guys first:
The Cannon Fodder Division
Jason Yeager, Luke Menard, Garrett Haley
There's a reason we never saw these three before Tuesday night. They all stink. I would not be shocked it two of the three are gone in week one. Oddly enough, I think that if Luke gets past this week, he's just handsome enough to stick around for a few weeks. But you know how I feel about senior citizens on this show. The show is infinitely worse since they raised the age limit. Sure the older contestants are more polished, but if you're 28 years old and you haven't made it yet, think of another career. There's just something so desperate about begging for votes on a show like this when you're almost 30. And to compound that, it's even worse when you have a son who is almost a teenager. And, I'm sorry, but WHAT is the deal with the blonde streak in Yeager's hair? That should have disqualified him from the start.
Haley is the sacrificial lamb this season. He's on just to get voted off. I feel sorry for the guy, even if he does look the love child of Robert Plant and Skeletor. Hey, it was the 80s....you never know.
The No Chance Crew
Sorry to say that Colton Berry and the Davids Hernandez and Cook have no shot either. One of these guys may sneak into the finals with a a few good weeks. Or one could be gone tonight. I think Colton has the best chance of being gone, and Cook can put together a good run, but they are all lost in the quagmire of being not good enough, and nobody in their corner to say they were good when they weren't.
These guys need things to break their way
Chikeze leads this category. He would have no shot, but he's the only black guy, and listen...every final 12 needs a black guy. Also, he's mouthy, which we didn't see before in the clips, so that might keep him around if he's smart. People like smack talk, but when you talk smack to Simon and he's right, you're gone quickly. He'd be mindful to keep his trash talking to a minimum and focus on the opportunity the judges gave him.
Jason Castro – who was obviously high on Tuesday – has a shot to go far if he stays as good as he was this week. But the deck is stacked against him with the four the producers want to get into the finals.
The Hand Picked
Danny Noriega is just on this show to infuriate the public, and to start a rivalry with Simon. But I think they want him to get into the finals, then bow out....as gracefully as he can, which by the looks of it, won't be very graceful.
Robbie Carrico is a former boy bander turned rocker. That's all I have to say.
David Archuleta is the golden boy of the season. He's a former Star Search winner, and I think he's terrible, but he's a cute kid and will sail into the final five or six. But he can't win, can he?
Michael Johns is my least favorite. He's from Australia. He came when he was 19 to America. David Archuleta is only 17 NOW. Something is wrong with that. But he's in the final four right now. No doubt.
Now, the ladies...
This is harder because it's going to actually depend on how they do each week. I hate Carly Smithson and her phony story. She's awful, she can't sing as well as they hoped and Randy's unabashed promotion of her is ridiculous. But she's a finalist, and probably in the top five.
Syesha is in a Ford commercial, so she's an obvious plant. But she's the best, and should be in the final four.
Kristy Lee Cook is a plant, with a fake story about selling a horse. Who sells a horse to fly from Oregon to Philly to try out for a singing show? How much could that flight cost? Well, she's not going to be getting that horse back with her Idol winnings, because she's gone....and soon. Maybe even tonight.
Alaina Whitaker is a poor girl's Carrie Underwood, but she's young, and malleable. So let's root for her. I think she'll get into the final 12, but not sure how far after that she'll go.
Asia'h is a little spitfire, and she'll go further than the producers thought she'd go. She was the surprise of the night last night, as I thought she'd be terrible when you forget the sob story of her dad dying days before she auditioned.
Alexandrea's last name is Lushington. But they decided to make Chikeze the one named contestant this week. Nice choice. She was good, and had some good energy. Another surprise to me. Finalist? I don't think so, but better that I thought.
What's less than a one-trick pony? Can Amanda Overmyer be half a trick pony? Is that possible? They hope she goes far, but they better find good songs that will protect her because she'll get old – perhaps as old as she looks and sounds – quick.
Amy Davis is gone tonight, so I won't waste my time with her. Have fun when the car show comes to town.
Brooke White will get in the finals because she's actually good at performing music. Don't they need one of those? No way she gets far, thought.
Joanne Borgella is a plus sized model. Did I mention she's a PLUS SIZED model? Why is that important? She doesn't say she's a black model. Why does she qualify it by saying plus sized? We can see. We know she's plus sized. We also know she can't sing. She won't make it to the finals.
Kady Malloy can sing like Britney Spears. She looks the part, and can sing, but she is completely vapid. She has no personality to speak of, which is probably why she's good at impersonating people. I have no clue what to think of her. She could be gone tonight, or she could be in the final four. It's just a matter of if she can put it together before America is sick of watching air go through her ears when the judges talk. Huh? What? Exactly.
Last is Ramiele who I hated going in, but she was actually pretty good, so she's another I don't know about. I guess if my math is right, it's between her, Kady and Amanda for the final spot in the finals.
Final Four Prediction
The thing you have to keep in mind is that things change every week. It depends on who is left, what style of songs they sing and lots of other factors (judges notwithstanding). That said, the final four will be:
David Archuleta, Michael Johns
Syesha, Alaina.
I've never been more unsure of those picks. I may have all of them wrong. And I guess that's what they want, don't they. So I'm rooting for Castro. I mean, with Fidel Castro retiring this week, it'd be only right to have another Castro hold America hostage.
Good luck to all of us...I mean them.
Editorial note: I wasn't totally wrong, as Joanne, Amy, Garrett and Colton are gone. I'll take that as a 4-4 situation. I'd prefer Jason gone instead of Colton, but there's always next week.
Let's get right to it. This year is a make or break year for Idol. It's a machine at this point, but when have you ever seen a show last this long without being completely scrutinized at every turn, or falling off the face of the pop culture Earth. Sure, there is the occasional show that stays relevant after that period of time, but how long do you expect a show with people singing karaoke, and then being told by a crotchety (my favorite word, by far) judge that they are doing just that. It has to get old at some point, doesn't it? Furthermore, the problems with the show do not start, nor end with Simon, but rather with the two people sitting to his right. They have become nothing more than shills for the machine that is American Idol, and Fox.
There are 24 contestants still remaining, with four being cut tonight. For some reason, even after they ruined last year by making the final 12 half men and half women – I hasten to say boys and girls here because some of the contestants are closer to fathering a teenager than being one – the producers decided to once again segregate the cast by gender. When they get down to the final 12, we'll be subjected to four or five competent female singers, two male singers trying to keep up, and half a stage full of cannon fodder.
Which brings us to the next three weeks. It has been widely discussed online that many in the cast are hand-picked plants in order to ensure the show's safety from being hijacked by the likes of Sanjaya. That's why the nerdy kid who wants to be a politician didn't get in, much to Simon's chagrin. That's why Josiah didn't get in. That little kid in the house on wheels will be a sensation for 15 or so minutes, but he would have stolen this season the likes that Chicken Little could only dream. The best thing for him, and the show, was not getting into the finals.
So who did get in? Well, the plants are abundant, and it's obvious the producers have four guys in mind for the final 12. Which means there will only be two spots open for eight guys. The women's division is as rigged as the men's, but those hand-picked few aren't as good as the producers hoped. So that side of the ledger is a little more wide open.
Let's get to it. Guys first:
The Cannon Fodder Division
Jason Yeager, Luke Menard, Garrett Haley
There's a reason we never saw these three before Tuesday night. They all stink. I would not be shocked it two of the three are gone in week one. Oddly enough, I think that if Luke gets past this week, he's just handsome enough to stick around for a few weeks. But you know how I feel about senior citizens on this show. The show is infinitely worse since they raised the age limit. Sure the older contestants are more polished, but if you're 28 years old and you haven't made it yet, think of another career. There's just something so desperate about begging for votes on a show like this when you're almost 30. And to compound that, it's even worse when you have a son who is almost a teenager. And, I'm sorry, but WHAT is the deal with the blonde streak in Yeager's hair? That should have disqualified him from the start.
Haley is the sacrificial lamb this season. He's on just to get voted off. I feel sorry for the guy, even if he does look the love child of Robert Plant and Skeletor. Hey, it was the 80s....you never know.
The No Chance Crew
Sorry to say that Colton Berry and the Davids Hernandez and Cook have no shot either. One of these guys may sneak into the finals with a a few good weeks. Or one could be gone tonight. I think Colton has the best chance of being gone, and Cook can put together a good run, but they are all lost in the quagmire of being not good enough, and nobody in their corner to say they were good when they weren't.
These guys need things to break their way
Chikeze leads this category. He would have no shot, but he's the only black guy, and listen...every final 12 needs a black guy. Also, he's mouthy, which we didn't see before in the clips, so that might keep him around if he's smart. People like smack talk, but when you talk smack to Simon and he's right, you're gone quickly. He'd be mindful to keep his trash talking to a minimum and focus on the opportunity the judges gave him.
Jason Castro – who was obviously high on Tuesday – has a shot to go far if he stays as good as he was this week. But the deck is stacked against him with the four the producers want to get into the finals.
The Hand Picked
Danny Noriega is just on this show to infuriate the public, and to start a rivalry with Simon. But I think they want him to get into the finals, then bow out....as gracefully as he can, which by the looks of it, won't be very graceful.
Robbie Carrico is a former boy bander turned rocker. That's all I have to say.
David Archuleta is the golden boy of the season. He's a former Star Search winner, and I think he's terrible, but he's a cute kid and will sail into the final five or six. But he can't win, can he?
Michael Johns is my least favorite. He's from Australia. He came when he was 19 to America. David Archuleta is only 17 NOW. Something is wrong with that. But he's in the final four right now. No doubt.
Now, the ladies...
This is harder because it's going to actually depend on how they do each week. I hate Carly Smithson and her phony story. She's awful, she can't sing as well as they hoped and Randy's unabashed promotion of her is ridiculous. But she's a finalist, and probably in the top five.
Syesha is in a Ford commercial, so she's an obvious plant. But she's the best, and should be in the final four.
Kristy Lee Cook is a plant, with a fake story about selling a horse. Who sells a horse to fly from Oregon to Philly to try out for a singing show? How much could that flight cost? Well, she's not going to be getting that horse back with her Idol winnings, because she's gone....and soon. Maybe even tonight.
Alaina Whitaker is a poor girl's Carrie Underwood, but she's young, and malleable. So let's root for her. I think she'll get into the final 12, but not sure how far after that she'll go.
Asia'h is a little spitfire, and she'll go further than the producers thought she'd go. She was the surprise of the night last night, as I thought she'd be terrible when you forget the sob story of her dad dying days before she auditioned.
Alexandrea's last name is Lushington. But they decided to make Chikeze the one named contestant this week. Nice choice. She was good, and had some good energy. Another surprise to me. Finalist? I don't think so, but better that I thought.
What's less than a one-trick pony? Can Amanda Overmyer be half a trick pony? Is that possible? They hope she goes far, but they better find good songs that will protect her because she'll get old – perhaps as old as she looks and sounds – quick.
Amy Davis is gone tonight, so I won't waste my time with her. Have fun when the car show comes to town.
Brooke White will get in the finals because she's actually good at performing music. Don't they need one of those? No way she gets far, thought.
Joanne Borgella is a plus sized model. Did I mention she's a PLUS SIZED model? Why is that important? She doesn't say she's a black model. Why does she qualify it by saying plus sized? We can see. We know she's plus sized. We also know she can't sing. She won't make it to the finals.
Kady Malloy can sing like Britney Spears. She looks the part, and can sing, but she is completely vapid. She has no personality to speak of, which is probably why she's good at impersonating people. I have no clue what to think of her. She could be gone tonight, or she could be in the final four. It's just a matter of if she can put it together before America is sick of watching air go through her ears when the judges talk. Huh? What? Exactly.
Last is Ramiele who I hated going in, but she was actually pretty good, so she's another I don't know about. I guess if my math is right, it's between her, Kady and Amanda for the final spot in the finals.
Final Four Prediction
The thing you have to keep in mind is that things change every week. It depends on who is left, what style of songs they sing and lots of other factors (judges notwithstanding). That said, the final four will be:
David Archuleta, Michael Johns
Syesha, Alaina.
I've never been more unsure of those picks. I may have all of them wrong. And I guess that's what they want, don't they. So I'm rooting for Castro. I mean, with Fidel Castro retiring this week, it'd be only right to have another Castro hold America hostage.
Good luck to all of us...I mean them.
Editorial note: I wasn't totally wrong, as Joanne, Amy, Garrett and Colton are gone. I'll take that as a 4-4 situation. I'd prefer Jason gone instead of Colton, but there's always next week.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Review - Knight Rider
A few weeks ago, in the heart of the writers' strike, NBC started running promos for Knight Rider. Now, the peacock wasn't so desperate that they would start running shows from my youth (one could only hope). They though, however, that people would want to watch an entirely new Knight Rider, with a whole new cast and, gulp, a whole new K.I.T.T.
Listen, this was a two-hour commercial for Ford, which was the first problem in a litany of negatives for this doomed series. KITT (I'm not spending the time to put the periods in anymore) was a Trans Am. It was a Pontiac, which is a GM brand. Heading in to the show, I was furious that the producers of the show seemed to go out and find the car manufacturer who would pay the most money. Five minutes in, when "Mike" wasn't shot like his predecessor Michael was to start the original series, viewers were left to realize that this isn't a remake, but rather a new show with a new storyline. And boy, WHAT a storyline.
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We open the show at the sprawling mansion of Charles Graiman. The power was out in Mr. Graiman's house and two men come to the door to fix said power. Mr. Graiman seems skeptical and asks for ID. The lead man flashes a small badge and the two are allowed in. Less than a minute later, the men reveal themselves in the worst acting in the history of network television that they are, in fact, evil villains out for Mr. Graiman's research, encrypted on several hard drives.
Seriously, this may have been the worst opening scene in the history of television. They wanted us to know that Mr. Graiman is paranoid. But they don't go to the lengths a truly paranoid person would go to, like, say, checking the ID of both men! And perhaps he'd have actually looked at the badge to make sure it wasn't a fake? He ultimately let the men in when they threatened to come back in the morning, but then revealed that he has back up generators. Why not just wait until the morning then, when you already seem skeptical?
Regardless, the men got in the house, revealed their fiendish plan to steal Mr. Graiman's research (always a brilliant move by criminals) and threatened to kill his daughter if he didn't cooperate. Of course, on cue, Mr. Graiman dies in the arms of his attackers. Heart attack. We should all be so lucky at this point, and we're only about five minutes in.
That said, you KNOW he's not really dead. Why? Because he's the only actor anyone's heard of. The first rule of network TV is that the most famous actor is always more involved than they lead us to believe. Watch any Law & Order show and you'll learn this very quickly. But for now, Mr. Graiman is dead, the men scour the house for research we get a pan and scan of all the gadgets the now "dead" scientist is working on.
The henchmen eventually get to the garage and we get our first look at KITT, a Shelby Cobra Mustang. A great car, but they should have stayed in the GM family at least. The writing is so poor on this show, we're subjected at this point to terrible actors reading lines like, "whoa, you can't get this at the dealership." I was half waiting for an actor to pop on to the screen to tell me that – in fact – you CAN get this at the dealership...just log on to ford.com to find a dealer nearest you...before getting gunned down.
Mercifully, KITT got out of there, but not before getting shot at, where we, the viewer, learn that KITT can repel bullets, thus ending the worst opening scene in television history. I can't do justice how terrible the combination of bad writing, bad acting and camera angles that make us feel like we're in a nightmare did just that – this show has been a nightmare so far.
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The next three scenes are almost as bad, as we meet Mr. Graiman's daughter who is a professor at Stanford. She reveals that she hasn't talked to her dad in a while, then gets a strange call from someone telling her that he was sent from her father. "Wow, you know, I was totally just talking to someone earlier about how I haven't talked to my dad in, like, three years and then out of nowhere I get a call from someone on behalf of my dad. I mean, like, what are the chances of that?"
Or something along those lines. Sarah is eventually apprehended by the same goons who were at her dads house and we're treated to great interplay like, "how do you know my father?" "I watched him DIE."
Thankfully, KITT comes to save us from this award-winning cross talk and we get our first glimpse at the car in daylight. Pretty cool. Of course, the gunmen decide to slow the car down by shooting at it, ON A COLLEGE CAMPUS. Now, I know that this show was filmed way before the NIU shootings, but I'll stake my house on the fact that it wasn't done before the Virginia Tech shootings. Or any of the famous high school shootings. Did they really need a gunman on a college campus while people are running around in terror to illustrate how bad these bad guys were? That's the most irresponsible thing I could imagine, and should have been edited out this week in the wake of recent events.
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Let's gloss over the rest, because it can't get much worse. When we meet "Mike," his roommate wakes him up and he's got a hot girl in his bed. Then another hot girl walks in from the bathroom. You see...this guy slept with TWO hot girls last night. That's how cool he is. Nice wingman too, as it seems he slept with two chicks while his friend spent the night with his ear against the wall and his hands in his....we'll leave it at that.
Mike is in trouble, and owes some goons 90 grand by tomorrow or his friend dies. So what's he do? He goes to the casinos to play cards against Phil Laak (aka the Unibomber). Good logic. Especially when Sarah shows up after he bluffed a big pot and asks for his help. When he finally decides, he LEAVES HIS CHIPS AT THE TABLE. This is a guy who was just looking for cash in the cushions of a sofa and leaves thousands of dollars in chips at a casino table without even looking back once. The gunmen are back AGAIN and Mike and Sarah elude them and head out on high speed chase. That was pretty cool, but lost a lot of it's luster when you realize that there's no way KITT won't get out of there. Human error is always the reason for suspense in high speed chases. You know, when a guy checks his blind spot and looks back around to see a baby carriage or a pile of manure in front of him.
Anyway, KITT eludes the villains who in fact don't die, when almost going head first into a big rig. Why? Because they were driving a Ford. Once you saw the Ford logo in the front you knew there wasn't going to be an accident. See, the old Knight Rider would have had that car flipped over six times. But not this new and improved show. We don't wreck the hand that feeds us. The one cool part of the show was when KITT morphed into a silver Mustang right on the road to elude a helicopter. That was neat. But the helicopter was chasing a black Mustang going 120 MPH, lost it, and flies over a silver Mustang on the same road going 120 MPH. I guess the bad guys never saw Cannonball Run.
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The rest of the show is equally as terrible, as evidenced by the first three scenes featuring FBI agent Carrie Rivai, played by Sydney Poitier's daugther. First, we see her on the beach, surfing, to which my wife opined that they were trying to incorporate all of Hasselhoff's roles into one show. Then, we see her in an outdoor shower, getting the sand off. Wow, sexy. Only, she's not. She walks into her beachfront property to reveal a young woman in her bed. Wait, wait, wait, you mean she's hot, she surfs and she's a lesbian. This can't get any better (as sarcasm drips all over my keyboard.) Rivai gets called into work – for the FBI (they are obviously paying pretty well these days by the looks of her house) – and she offers the bed-dweller free reign of the house while she's gone. "Are you going to trust someone you just met last night" the now-revealed one-night-stand questions. Rivai pulls out her gun, cocks it and asks "why not?" or something like that. The wording doesn't matter. The point is, she's hot (not really), she's a lesbian (who cares), she sleeps around (how is this making me watch the show) and she's an idiot. She has no clue who this girl is, and by the time she gets back home, the entire place could be ransacked and the girl 100 miles away. More on this in a minute.
Scene two of Rivai's ever-growing character arc is at the FBI field office where she gets hit on by a clueless agent before heading off to do some work while he does nothing because he's incompetent. Dude, she's a surfer lesbian whore...you'd think you would know that.
Next, she goes to the house of Mr. Graiman because, as we found out, she knew him from years before. The sheriff asks her to ID the body, and gasp, it's NOT actually Mr. Graiman. It's his body double. He was so paranoid he'd been using a body double for years, but never taught the double how to check proper ID. So the double is dead, and Graiman is on the loose. The sheriff immediately picks up the phone to obviously call out an APB, right? Right? In the craziest twist yet, he calls....wait for it....the henchmen. You mean, they paid off a small-town sheriff? Who would have thunk it? Obviously not Ravai, as she continues to give him information, which he leaks to the henchmen in order to capture Graiman. Great FBI work.
---
Oh yeah, there's a plot. There's this Prometheus project the Pentagon is working on that can control AI. Not Allen Iverson, or American Idol, but Artificial Intelligence, of course. Graiman is working on this, and only he and his daughter know the codes to the hard drives. Oh, yeah, and KITT because Graiman told the car everything for some reason. So the henchmen need Graiman, his daughter, or the car. When Graiman escaped, he went to a shack in the woods. Turns out, the woman in the shack is Mike's mom, and they too are estranged. Oh, and she used to sleep with Michael Knight, and Mike is their kid. So not only is he an ex-army, drag racing, womanizing bum, he's also the son of the original Knight Rider.
Mike only learns this minutes before his mom is killed, and Graiman is captured. KITT is getting infiltrated by the henchman who used to be on one of those cell phone commercials (he's the smart one) so they have to drive the car manually and MIke ends up beating KITT up pretty bad by slamming him into the bad guys' SUV. Oh, when KITT is turned on, the car is invincible, which comes in to play when he's turned on seconds before the bad guys' SUV (noticeably NOT a Ford this time) t-bones KITT and goes boom. Everyone dies, it seems, except Graiman, who is safe. Poor small-town sheriff. He was probably just looking out for his family and got pulled into the wrong crowd. That was my favorite moment of the show, when they revealed that it actually was a corrupt sheriff and not another member of their crew who killed the original sheriff and stole his identity. Can't trust anyone these days, can you? Anyway, all the bad guys die, Graiman has one cut on his head and KITT, and Mike and Sarah come out unscathed. Oh, and Ravai and a random cop come to the scene (from the wrong direction – way to keep the theme of not caring about continuity going) to help clean up the mess.
---
On the way to Mike's mom's funeral, they decide to get the band back together, restart the foundation and have Mike drive KITT. They need a guy whose not too close to the FBI (because of all the impending bar fights, I assume) and someone with no family. Since he's going to his mom's funeral, they figured they'd strike while the iron is hot. At the gravesite, we get the payoff for the whole darn two hour debacle. Hasselhoff shows up to pay his respects. He introduces himself to his son, gives three words of wisdom and shakes his hand. AND LEAVES. This is your son. Where the hell have you been all these years? Your mission was over like twenty years ago? What have you been doing? Seriously? And on top of all of that, you shake the kids hand and just leave? His mom just died. How about offering him a cup of coffee or something? My Lord. We just waited two hours to find out that one of America's heros from the 1980s is a deadbeat dad. Great. So you replace the Trans Am with a Mustang, and now you make Michael Knight a bum.
Thanks for ruining everything. Oh, and Mike decided to follow in his dad's footsteps and take on the roll of chauffeur to find out who was behind this plot, and avenge the death of his mom. But not before he gets a kiss from Sarah. You can just throw that 'no family to speak of' thing out the window.
The show ends with Mike at the wheel of KITT with the same old joke they used to use about "So I assume you are going to want do drive." They are once again in the back of an 18-wheeler, driving the streets looking for crime. You'd think in 20 years they'd have figured out a less expensive mode of transport.
Oh, and the best part of the whole show...KITT is voiced by Val Kilmer. I should have picked that up when he started quoting Jim Morrison on that long trip from Vegas to California. Nice career move, Val.
---
I don't know if this show was so bad it's good, or just so bad it's unwatchable. I'm leaning toward the latter. Maybe I just wanted the show to be good. Now, I think I just want it to go away, so I'm not drawn to the layers of hilarity it will obviously produce each week.
Listen, this was a two-hour commercial for Ford, which was the first problem in a litany of negatives for this doomed series. KITT (I'm not spending the time to put the periods in anymore) was a Trans Am. It was a Pontiac, which is a GM brand. Heading in to the show, I was furious that the producers of the show seemed to go out and find the car manufacturer who would pay the most money. Five minutes in, when "Mike" wasn't shot like his predecessor Michael was to start the original series, viewers were left to realize that this isn't a remake, but rather a new show with a new storyline. And boy, WHAT a storyline.
---
We open the show at the sprawling mansion of Charles Graiman. The power was out in Mr. Graiman's house and two men come to the door to fix said power. Mr. Graiman seems skeptical and asks for ID. The lead man flashes a small badge and the two are allowed in. Less than a minute later, the men reveal themselves in the worst acting in the history of network television that they are, in fact, evil villains out for Mr. Graiman's research, encrypted on several hard drives.
Seriously, this may have been the worst opening scene in the history of television. They wanted us to know that Mr. Graiman is paranoid. But they don't go to the lengths a truly paranoid person would go to, like, say, checking the ID of both men! And perhaps he'd have actually looked at the badge to make sure it wasn't a fake? He ultimately let the men in when they threatened to come back in the morning, but then revealed that he has back up generators. Why not just wait until the morning then, when you already seem skeptical?
Regardless, the men got in the house, revealed their fiendish plan to steal Mr. Graiman's research (always a brilliant move by criminals) and threatened to kill his daughter if he didn't cooperate. Of course, on cue, Mr. Graiman dies in the arms of his attackers. Heart attack. We should all be so lucky at this point, and we're only about five minutes in.
That said, you KNOW he's not really dead. Why? Because he's the only actor anyone's heard of. The first rule of network TV is that the most famous actor is always more involved than they lead us to believe. Watch any Law & Order show and you'll learn this very quickly. But for now, Mr. Graiman is dead, the men scour the house for research we get a pan and scan of all the gadgets the now "dead" scientist is working on.
The henchmen eventually get to the garage and we get our first look at KITT, a Shelby Cobra Mustang. A great car, but they should have stayed in the GM family at least. The writing is so poor on this show, we're subjected at this point to terrible actors reading lines like, "whoa, you can't get this at the dealership." I was half waiting for an actor to pop on to the screen to tell me that – in fact – you CAN get this at the dealership...just log on to ford.com to find a dealer nearest you...before getting gunned down.
Mercifully, KITT got out of there, but not before getting shot at, where we, the viewer, learn that KITT can repel bullets, thus ending the worst opening scene in television history. I can't do justice how terrible the combination of bad writing, bad acting and camera angles that make us feel like we're in a nightmare did just that – this show has been a nightmare so far.
---
The next three scenes are almost as bad, as we meet Mr. Graiman's daughter who is a professor at Stanford. She reveals that she hasn't talked to her dad in a while, then gets a strange call from someone telling her that he was sent from her father. "Wow, you know, I was totally just talking to someone earlier about how I haven't talked to my dad in, like, three years and then out of nowhere I get a call from someone on behalf of my dad. I mean, like, what are the chances of that?"
Or something along those lines. Sarah is eventually apprehended by the same goons who were at her dads house and we're treated to great interplay like, "how do you know my father?" "I watched him DIE."
Thankfully, KITT comes to save us from this award-winning cross talk and we get our first glimpse at the car in daylight. Pretty cool. Of course, the gunmen decide to slow the car down by shooting at it, ON A COLLEGE CAMPUS. Now, I know that this show was filmed way before the NIU shootings, but I'll stake my house on the fact that it wasn't done before the Virginia Tech shootings. Or any of the famous high school shootings. Did they really need a gunman on a college campus while people are running around in terror to illustrate how bad these bad guys were? That's the most irresponsible thing I could imagine, and should have been edited out this week in the wake of recent events.
---
Let's gloss over the rest, because it can't get much worse. When we meet "Mike," his roommate wakes him up and he's got a hot girl in his bed. Then another hot girl walks in from the bathroom. You see...this guy slept with TWO hot girls last night. That's how cool he is. Nice wingman too, as it seems he slept with two chicks while his friend spent the night with his ear against the wall and his hands in his....we'll leave it at that.
Mike is in trouble, and owes some goons 90 grand by tomorrow or his friend dies. So what's he do? He goes to the casinos to play cards against Phil Laak (aka the Unibomber). Good logic. Especially when Sarah shows up after he bluffed a big pot and asks for his help. When he finally decides, he LEAVES HIS CHIPS AT THE TABLE. This is a guy who was just looking for cash in the cushions of a sofa and leaves thousands of dollars in chips at a casino table without even looking back once. The gunmen are back AGAIN and Mike and Sarah elude them and head out on high speed chase. That was pretty cool, but lost a lot of it's luster when you realize that there's no way KITT won't get out of there. Human error is always the reason for suspense in high speed chases. You know, when a guy checks his blind spot and looks back around to see a baby carriage or a pile of manure in front of him.
Anyway, KITT eludes the villains who in fact don't die, when almost going head first into a big rig. Why? Because they were driving a Ford. Once you saw the Ford logo in the front you knew there wasn't going to be an accident. See, the old Knight Rider would have had that car flipped over six times. But not this new and improved show. We don't wreck the hand that feeds us. The one cool part of the show was when KITT morphed into a silver Mustang right on the road to elude a helicopter. That was neat. But the helicopter was chasing a black Mustang going 120 MPH, lost it, and flies over a silver Mustang on the same road going 120 MPH. I guess the bad guys never saw Cannonball Run.
---
The rest of the show is equally as terrible, as evidenced by the first three scenes featuring FBI agent Carrie Rivai, played by Sydney Poitier's daugther. First, we see her on the beach, surfing, to which my wife opined that they were trying to incorporate all of Hasselhoff's roles into one show. Then, we see her in an outdoor shower, getting the sand off. Wow, sexy. Only, she's not. She walks into her beachfront property to reveal a young woman in her bed. Wait, wait, wait, you mean she's hot, she surfs and she's a lesbian. This can't get any better (as sarcasm drips all over my keyboard.) Rivai gets called into work – for the FBI (they are obviously paying pretty well these days by the looks of her house) – and she offers the bed-dweller free reign of the house while she's gone. "Are you going to trust someone you just met last night" the now-revealed one-night-stand questions. Rivai pulls out her gun, cocks it and asks "why not?" or something like that. The wording doesn't matter. The point is, she's hot (not really), she's a lesbian (who cares), she sleeps around (how is this making me watch the show) and she's an idiot. She has no clue who this girl is, and by the time she gets back home, the entire place could be ransacked and the girl 100 miles away. More on this in a minute.
Scene two of Rivai's ever-growing character arc is at the FBI field office where she gets hit on by a clueless agent before heading off to do some work while he does nothing because he's incompetent. Dude, she's a surfer lesbian whore...you'd think you would know that.
Next, she goes to the house of Mr. Graiman because, as we found out, she knew him from years before. The sheriff asks her to ID the body, and gasp, it's NOT actually Mr. Graiman. It's his body double. He was so paranoid he'd been using a body double for years, but never taught the double how to check proper ID. So the double is dead, and Graiman is on the loose. The sheriff immediately picks up the phone to obviously call out an APB, right? Right? In the craziest twist yet, he calls....wait for it....the henchmen. You mean, they paid off a small-town sheriff? Who would have thunk it? Obviously not Ravai, as she continues to give him information, which he leaks to the henchmen in order to capture Graiman. Great FBI work.
---
Oh yeah, there's a plot. There's this Prometheus project the Pentagon is working on that can control AI. Not Allen Iverson, or American Idol, but Artificial Intelligence, of course. Graiman is working on this, and only he and his daughter know the codes to the hard drives. Oh, yeah, and KITT because Graiman told the car everything for some reason. So the henchmen need Graiman, his daughter, or the car. When Graiman escaped, he went to a shack in the woods. Turns out, the woman in the shack is Mike's mom, and they too are estranged. Oh, and she used to sleep with Michael Knight, and Mike is their kid. So not only is he an ex-army, drag racing, womanizing bum, he's also the son of the original Knight Rider.
Mike only learns this minutes before his mom is killed, and Graiman is captured. KITT is getting infiltrated by the henchman who used to be on one of those cell phone commercials (he's the smart one) so they have to drive the car manually and MIke ends up beating KITT up pretty bad by slamming him into the bad guys' SUV. Oh, when KITT is turned on, the car is invincible, which comes in to play when he's turned on seconds before the bad guys' SUV (noticeably NOT a Ford this time) t-bones KITT and goes boom. Everyone dies, it seems, except Graiman, who is safe. Poor small-town sheriff. He was probably just looking out for his family and got pulled into the wrong crowd. That was my favorite moment of the show, when they revealed that it actually was a corrupt sheriff and not another member of their crew who killed the original sheriff and stole his identity. Can't trust anyone these days, can you? Anyway, all the bad guys die, Graiman has one cut on his head and KITT, and Mike and Sarah come out unscathed. Oh, and Ravai and a random cop come to the scene (from the wrong direction – way to keep the theme of not caring about continuity going) to help clean up the mess.
---
On the way to Mike's mom's funeral, they decide to get the band back together, restart the foundation and have Mike drive KITT. They need a guy whose not too close to the FBI (because of all the impending bar fights, I assume) and someone with no family. Since he's going to his mom's funeral, they figured they'd strike while the iron is hot. At the gravesite, we get the payoff for the whole darn two hour debacle. Hasselhoff shows up to pay his respects. He introduces himself to his son, gives three words of wisdom and shakes his hand. AND LEAVES. This is your son. Where the hell have you been all these years? Your mission was over like twenty years ago? What have you been doing? Seriously? And on top of all of that, you shake the kids hand and just leave? His mom just died. How about offering him a cup of coffee or something? My Lord. We just waited two hours to find out that one of America's heros from the 1980s is a deadbeat dad. Great. So you replace the Trans Am with a Mustang, and now you make Michael Knight a bum.
Thanks for ruining everything. Oh, and Mike decided to follow in his dad's footsteps and take on the roll of chauffeur to find out who was behind this plot, and avenge the death of his mom. But not before he gets a kiss from Sarah. You can just throw that 'no family to speak of' thing out the window.
The show ends with Mike at the wheel of KITT with the same old joke they used to use about "So I assume you are going to want do drive." They are once again in the back of an 18-wheeler, driving the streets looking for crime. You'd think in 20 years they'd have figured out a less expensive mode of transport.
Oh, and the best part of the whole show...KITT is voiced by Val Kilmer. I should have picked that up when he started quoting Jim Morrison on that long trip from Vegas to California. Nice career move, Val.
---
I don't know if this show was so bad it's good, or just so bad it's unwatchable. I'm leaning toward the latter. Maybe I just wanted the show to be good. Now, I think I just want it to go away, so I'm not drawn to the layers of hilarity it will obviously produce each week.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
McNabb - Idiot or Savvy like a fox?
McNabb is either a giant idiot, or the smartest guy in town.
Here's my case for the latter:
McNabb has had two terrible seasons in the last two years. He ripped his groin apart after dealing with the TO situation that not only ripped his locker room, but his city, apart. Then he comes back TO free and starts out well, plays okay but the team can't win, then tears his ACL on a non-contact run out of bounds. Karma, much?
He comes back this year, swears he's healthy when it's obvious he's not - and the team knew he wasn't when they held him out of camp and most of the preseason - and in week TWO is already bitching about how nobody loves him and the Philly fans are all racist. Week two? I don't care if James Brown was doing the interview and you guys are boys. Hell, I don't care if they dug up the body of the Godfather of Soul to do the interview, you don't take a shot like he did unless you want out.
His argument has no validity outside of his city. No other black QB, not counting Michael Vick, really gets any public or media scorn. No quarterback in the league is more scrutinized than the guy who just won the Super Bowl. Until he won that game, Peyton Manning was the most scrutinized player in the history of the position.
Here are the black QBs in the league (not including third stringers and people who will never play like Troy Smith). Tell me if any of them get more crap than Rex Grossman does.
Starters/High Profile Guys
McNabb - Eagles
Steve McNair - Baltimore
Vince Young - Tenn
Jason Campbell - Wash
Byron Leftwich - Now with Atlanta
JaMarcus Russell - Raiders
Daunte Culpepper - Raiders
David Garrard - Jacksonville
Mike Vick - State Pen
Tavaris Jackson - Minnesota
Backups
Seneca Wallace - Seattle
Cleo Lemon - Miami
DJ Shockley - Atl (IR)
Anthony Wright - NYG
Charlie Batch - Pitt
Quinn Gray - Jacksonville
Kellen Clemens - Oh...wait
Are there enough black qbs in the league? No. And coaches are always trying to turn them into wide receivers. But sometimes it works. Antwaan Randle-El is in the league because he can play other positions. So are Hines Ward and Arnaz Battle and Wallace may soon be a WR. Good white college QBs - safe Matt Jones - don't become WRs or DBs to keep their spot on an NFL roster. Just ask Eric Crouch.
Sure, Vick has his troubles, and Leftwich got dumped (for another black qb) and now finds himself in Atlanta. Culpepper brought his situation on himself by firing his agent and trying to do it himself. The year after he did that, he lost a battle for a new contract in Minny, tore up his knee, signed a deal with Miami and came back too early and is now a backup for one of the worst offenses in the league.
Look at the others. Everyone loves Vince. He's on the freakin' cover of Madden. And Campbell is a budding young star after beating, ironically, McNabb, on national TV. Steve McNair stinks, and probably was the reason Baltimore didn't make it to the AFC title game last year and nobody kills him, ever.
So let's look back at McNabb. He wants out of Philly, but is savvy enough to play the sympathy card and let all his friends in the media say he "deserves" to get out of Philly. Seriously, we are notoriously hard fans on our stars. Mike Schmidt is the best third baseman ever and people booed him all the time, just because they didn't like him. McNabb is an affable character, and would lose his marketability if he lashes out at the city directly. He can't come out and say he hates Philly because we'd bury him alive under the I95 overpass. So instead, he makes sweeping generalizations about being a black quarterback and lets the sports talk debate carry it to where he wants - getting him out of Philly.
He'll spend the next six months doing interviews about how he thinks the Eagles can win, and how he wants to be the leader of that team. He'll show us how great a guy he is, even if he's no longer as great a player as he once was. And he'll let everyone else do the work for him, making sure he's out of town by next year, without turning fans in his current city against him - and making sure he moves to his new city with any baggage.
Now, where does McNabb want to go? Hmm....maybe his hometown of Chicago. Chicago is a tough town, albeit not as tough as Philly. But if he can sign his figurative moving papers early this season, he can shop himself around behind the scenes for the rest of the year. Fans in Chicago can start a groundswell of support for McNabb, and force the hand of the Bears to dump Grossman and bring in Donovan. Bears fans would be happy because they'd have a hometown boy and legit star quarterback in their mix. Philly fans would be happy because the circus McNabb has created, and perpetuated, during the last three years will be over.
Note: As I'm finishing this, Mike and Mike are already talking about getting him out of town and finding him a spot on a contender next year. Ah, and Greeny just mentioned the Bears. Let the national campaign begin.
Here's my case for the latter:
McNabb has had two terrible seasons in the last two years. He ripped his groin apart after dealing with the TO situation that not only ripped his locker room, but his city, apart. Then he comes back TO free and starts out well, plays okay but the team can't win, then tears his ACL on a non-contact run out of bounds. Karma, much?
He comes back this year, swears he's healthy when it's obvious he's not - and the team knew he wasn't when they held him out of camp and most of the preseason - and in week TWO is already bitching about how nobody loves him and the Philly fans are all racist. Week two? I don't care if James Brown was doing the interview and you guys are boys. Hell, I don't care if they dug up the body of the Godfather of Soul to do the interview, you don't take a shot like he did unless you want out.
His argument has no validity outside of his city. No other black QB, not counting Michael Vick, really gets any public or media scorn. No quarterback in the league is more scrutinized than the guy who just won the Super Bowl. Until he won that game, Peyton Manning was the most scrutinized player in the history of the position.
Here are the black QBs in the league (not including third stringers and people who will never play like Troy Smith). Tell me if any of them get more crap than Rex Grossman does.
Starters/High Profile Guys
McNabb - Eagles
Steve McNair - Baltimore
Vince Young - Tenn
Jason Campbell - Wash
Byron Leftwich - Now with Atlanta
JaMarcus Russell - Raiders
Daunte Culpepper - Raiders
David Garrard - Jacksonville
Mike Vick - State Pen
Tavaris Jackson - Minnesota
Backups
Seneca Wallace - Seattle
Cleo Lemon - Miami
DJ Shockley - Atl (IR)
Anthony Wright - NYG
Charlie Batch - Pitt
Quinn Gray - Jacksonville
Kellen Clemens - Oh...wait
Are there enough black qbs in the league? No. And coaches are always trying to turn them into wide receivers. But sometimes it works. Antwaan Randle-El is in the league because he can play other positions. So are Hines Ward and Arnaz Battle and Wallace may soon be a WR. Good white college QBs - safe Matt Jones - don't become WRs or DBs to keep their spot on an NFL roster. Just ask Eric Crouch.
Sure, Vick has his troubles, and Leftwich got dumped (for another black qb) and now finds himself in Atlanta. Culpepper brought his situation on himself by firing his agent and trying to do it himself. The year after he did that, he lost a battle for a new contract in Minny, tore up his knee, signed a deal with Miami and came back too early and is now a backup for one of the worst offenses in the league.
Look at the others. Everyone loves Vince. He's on the freakin' cover of Madden. And Campbell is a budding young star after beating, ironically, McNabb, on national TV. Steve McNair stinks, and probably was the reason Baltimore didn't make it to the AFC title game last year and nobody kills him, ever.
So let's look back at McNabb. He wants out of Philly, but is savvy enough to play the sympathy card and let all his friends in the media say he "deserves" to get out of Philly. Seriously, we are notoriously hard fans on our stars. Mike Schmidt is the best third baseman ever and people booed him all the time, just because they didn't like him. McNabb is an affable character, and would lose his marketability if he lashes out at the city directly. He can't come out and say he hates Philly because we'd bury him alive under the I95 overpass. So instead, he makes sweeping generalizations about being a black quarterback and lets the sports talk debate carry it to where he wants - getting him out of Philly.
He'll spend the next six months doing interviews about how he thinks the Eagles can win, and how he wants to be the leader of that team. He'll show us how great a guy he is, even if he's no longer as great a player as he once was. And he'll let everyone else do the work for him, making sure he's out of town by next year, without turning fans in his current city against him - and making sure he moves to his new city with any baggage.
Now, where does McNabb want to go? Hmm....maybe his hometown of Chicago. Chicago is a tough town, albeit not as tough as Philly. But if he can sign his figurative moving papers early this season, he can shop himself around behind the scenes for the rest of the year. Fans in Chicago can start a groundswell of support for McNabb, and force the hand of the Bears to dump Grossman and bring in Donovan. Bears fans would be happy because they'd have a hometown boy and legit star quarterback in their mix. Philly fans would be happy because the circus McNabb has created, and perpetuated, during the last three years will be over.
Note: As I'm finishing this, Mike and Mike are already talking about getting him out of town and finding him a spot on a contender next year. Ah, and Greeny just mentioned the Bears. Let the national campaign begin.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
American Idol Gives Back...and so do I
American Idol is giving back tonight...and so am I. One time only blog for you, because I love. (This is incredibly long, and totally disjointed because I’m doing it live, so deal with it.)
The show opens on a stumble, as Seacrest forgot he was on LIVE TV. They usually put the intro in the can, but today was live, and now we know why. Ryan comes out of the, ahem, scoreboard, to let us know that it's the most shocking result ever. Meaning, Lakisha is gone. I don't think Melinda is gone, so it has to be Lakisha.
Ryan calls the 70 million votes a world record. Give that man a Guiness, they broke a world voting record for text messaging. The Idol gives back-a-thon is going off book, and they've got Ellen Degeneres and she's already making fun of Seacrest's announcement of imminent (two hours from now) shock.
Ellen, who parenthetically, dresses better than Seacrest and is a better host than Seacrest, dabbles into a little Salt N Pepa, but stops before admitting that her weakness is, in fact, men. We're on to you, Ellen.
Getting the show kicked off the right way with a little Earth, Wind and Fire, featuring the greatest androgynously moustachioed bass player in Verdine White. My wife asked, "what is this, the Poconos?" Seriously, they kick the show off with EWF? That's almost as depressing as....
Randy Jackson chronicles the damage of Hurricane Katrina, with narration by the Dog himself. Yes, in the midst of a Katrina Relief piece, Randy, presumably in a limo, said "the Dog has come back to his home state." Even in times of trouble, a dog is dog.
Randy on stage, doing his part to give back. This is actually a good cause, so it's hard to kill them for this, but if Fox wanted to donate the money, just do it. You don't need two hours to pat yourself on the back.
Oooh....the Idols in all white singing a Quincy Jones original song that is just terrible, like all the songs are. You see, these people aren't any good. We just get tricked into thinking they are because they compete against each other every week. When they get out in the real world, they will all fail. Two idols have had measurable success after the show - Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood. Kelly didn't get popular until someone completely changed her identity. Carrie has Jesus driving her pickup, so I'm not going there.
Okay, that song is over. Did anyone else realize that Quincy Jones was conducting, um, nobody? Yeah, he wasn't conducting anyone. He was just up there in a captain's outfit, swinging his arms.
Ben Stiller is trying to be funny, and it's not working. Ben is a really funny guy, except when he's trying to be funny. Then he's not funny. In this case, he was trying too hard.
Simon and Ryan in Africa. Or a sound stage in Hollywood with a bunch of SAG extras to make it look like Africa. Yes, I got that joke from Ricky Gervais on Comic Relief, but how many of you knew that?
A young African boy is crying about living in a one room cardboard box with no parents because they are dead. Ryan comforts him by saying, "it's alright. It's alright." No, Ryan. It's not. When you get on your jet home, this kid will be eating whatever he can find. Again, this is a noble cause, but Seacrest is wearing jeans that cost more than the village these children live in.
Simon looks completely uncomfortable on stage and clearly wants nothing to do with this. I applaud that, because he realizes how shameless this night is. If you want to donate money, donate. Simon clearly doesn't care if we do, and I thank him for that.
Terry Hatcher looks like Beetlejuice, and asks us to pledge our money. Then Melinda was safe as quick as that. Melinda, you're safe, now let's watch Paula with a boys and girls club. Paula looked like she let the kids use their paint brushes on her eyelids. Thankfully, they don't let Paula wax extemporaneous and go right to Ellen, who introduces Il Divo, who are really good. And handsome. Hmm....maybe these guys are onto something. Now if only I were tall, dark, handsome and could carry a tune.
Ryan wants someone from the audience to come up, and they pan past Jack Black. Then, (wow) coincidentally, Seacrest calls Jack Black’s number. Jack decides to do Kiss from a Rose by Seal. Jack is awesome, and Kyle Gass is in the crowd with a rose. Jack gets critiques from the judges, and Paula gave the worst canned joke (School of Rock called, they want this joke back). Jack says that Seal would love it, and low and behold, SEAL LOVED IT. Safe the joke from Paula (Simon’s quip that Jack was better than Sanjaya was predictable yet funny to a point), this bit was the best of the night.
To recap – Jack Black, always funny. Ben Stiller, not so much. Oh, and Blake, you’re safe. Let’s move on.
Carrie Underwood has a video covering the Pretenders “I’ll Stand by You” with a bunch of little black kids. This might sound terrible, and I don’t mean it to, but when they keep going back and forth between impoverished areas of this country and impoverished countries in Africa, its really hard to know where people are. They should have just kept this in America. I know they want to touch the world, but there are so many people in this county who need help, American Idol should have focused on them. Just my two cents.
Rascal Flats brings the night to a slow grind at the one-hour mark. Doesn’t the lead singer, Rascal I surmise, look a lot like Alf? Hey Willie, hurry up and finish so we can move on.
Hey look it’s Tom. Am I the only one on Myspace who doesn’t have Tom as a friend? What gives with that? Paula now talks about black lung and illiteracy in Kentucky. Paula is on stage afterwards, and I don’t know what was pumped up more before the show – her lips or her boobs. Let’s call it a tie, and move on.
Crappy Ford Mustang ad singing Queen. This is a great segue into the fact that last season my blog was quoted on the Huffington Post, ripping on Ace Young and his sleeveless shirt singing Queen. I didn’t find out until this week, though.
Staying Alive is lip-synced by a calvalcade of celebs, including a third of the cast of Friends, Goldie Hawn, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Helen Mirren and a bunch of others including RYAN SEACREST. Why would Seacrest be in there? And did you notice that all the women looked like old hags? I mean, Helen Mirren is the best looking woman over 55 in the world, and she looked like a bag lady. They made everyone look awful.
Phil, you’re safe, now let’s show a woman with AIDS die. Ellen coughs up $100,000 of her own money, then introduces Josh Groban, singing with a small African children’s choir. Seriously, where is Paul Simon? He invented the African backing band. If we don’t get Diamonds on the Souls of Her Shoes tonight, I’m writing a letter.
Celebrities talking about the number of funerals they’ve been to, none more than 10 (Gweneth Paltrow has lost some close people, and her makeup bag). A guy in Africa has gone to 280. Malaria kills hundreds of people a day. A mother tries to get her baby to a clinic in time, but didn’t make it. Maybe that’s because they had to let the CAMERA MAN on the truck. This has passed the level of kosher to me. Now it’s 100% shameless, except for one thing…
Ellen is awesome. She’s asking kids to donate $1 if their parents put in $9. She’s almost getting me to donate. Of course, I donate to my own charities, so I think I’ll pass. Kelly Clarkson stole Janis Joplin’s outfit, and sings with Jeff Beck on guitar. I wonder who more people in this country know right now, Jeff Beck or Kelly Clarkson. Wait, I don’t want to know.
Half hour to go…and its either Lakisha, Jordin or Chris who is gone. Now, either of the woman would be a shock to most (I think Lakisha is toast, so that won’t be a shock to me). Chris going wouldn’t shock anyone, so the only other option is that they don’t boot anyone this week, and the votes carry over to next week. They could have planned that in to the schedule. That would be a shock, I guess.
Ben Stiller still singing, and it’s still not funny. Simon getting judged by the Simpsons. With Simon doing the Pussycat Dolls, as Homer acts like Simon, Marge like Randy (Dog) and Lisa like Paula – full of loopiness. Then Bart throws in the line of the night, with a DUNKLEMAN REFERENCE. Seacrest liked that, as he sold his soul for someone to kill Dunkleman.
Wait, Lakisha is safe? Now I’m shocked. Jordin might be gone? Hmm. That’d stink. Can’t we vote off Sanjaya again? Now I really think they don’t boot anyone off b/c it’s such a special night. I’m pretty certain of it. At least I hope, because Jordin is the only one I don’t hate at this point.
Celine Dion doing a duet with Elvis. I wonder if that’s a filter on her and she’s on stage live…or is she in Vegas actually with Elvis? The Idols sing backup for the King and Celine. Let’s think back to the beginning. Who does Earth Wind and Fire have naked pictures of to get on this show? Josh Groban, Il Divo, Rascal Flats, some random former winners, Celine Dion, ELVIS and Bono to come….why would EWF be there, if not to sweep up the stage after the show is over?
Madonna with a message. I wonder what it is? Oh, it’s donate. Remember when she was the Material Girl? Wow that was a long time ago.
Bono should be coming up. I was going to make a joke that they should do one of those Nat King Cole/Natalie Cole duets with Bono and Sonny Bono. That would be classic. Then – bam – Elvis showed up with Celine. I was close, and potentially much funnier. Especially imagining Bono singing the Cher parts.
Almost at $30 million raised tonight. That’s pretty impressive. What’s not impressive is Seacrest’s ability to ad lib. He’s terrible when his face isn’t plastered to a teleprompter. Man, Ellen is persuasive. Now introduces the “amazing” Annie Lennox. The Eurythmics video of Here Comes the Rain was the scariest video I’ve ever seen. I think I’m still afraid of short cropped redheads because of that video. Annie singing Bridge Over Troubled Waters, in terrible fashion, then just gets up from the piano halfway through the song, and some dude takes over. Why not just do the whole song that way? How self-serving was that? Hey, you know who would have been great singing that song? PAUL SIMON. What he hell is going on here?
You’re welcome.
Five minutes left. Rob Schneider says he’s Sandler, which was actually funny. No Bono, and we’re down to the final two. Chris and Jordin. She’s panicking. Chris is safe. Jordin is safe too. I’m right. You’re welcome. Votes carry over, and they did a major screw job with Jordin. However, the shock is that two go home next week.
WAIT A MINUTE. Bono is on TAPE. What the hell is this? That guy is such a douchebag. He never does anything live. Whenever he’s on something, he’s never there. He’s still one of the coolest five people on the planet (with Brad Pitt, George Clooney and two other people I can’t figure out right now).
The finalists sing American Prayer, which means they knew they were closing the show together. Would they have kicked someone off and NOT let them sing a solo? That’s not right, so the six had to know they were all safe. Even the “in no order” thing was a dead giveaway. I can’t believe it took me that long to figure it out.
What a total let down. I can’t be more mad at Bono. I mean, I knew he’d punk out and not show up live, but I figured he’d pull one of those “live on stage in Hong Kong” things. The fact that he was actually in LA, but didn’t stay for the show is BS.
Okay, America voted, and gave money. I gave two hours writing to you. I feel better, and I hope you do too.
Good to be back….
The show opens on a stumble, as Seacrest forgot he was on LIVE TV. They usually put the intro in the can, but today was live, and now we know why. Ryan comes out of the, ahem, scoreboard, to let us know that it's the most shocking result ever. Meaning, Lakisha is gone. I don't think Melinda is gone, so it has to be Lakisha.
Ryan calls the 70 million votes a world record. Give that man a Guiness, they broke a world voting record for text messaging. The Idol gives back-a-thon is going off book, and they've got Ellen Degeneres and she's already making fun of Seacrest's announcement of imminent (two hours from now) shock.
Ellen, who parenthetically, dresses better than Seacrest and is a better host than Seacrest, dabbles into a little Salt N Pepa, but stops before admitting that her weakness is, in fact, men. We're on to you, Ellen.
Getting the show kicked off the right way with a little Earth, Wind and Fire, featuring the greatest androgynously moustachioed bass player in Verdine White. My wife asked, "what is this, the Poconos?" Seriously, they kick the show off with EWF? That's almost as depressing as....
Randy Jackson chronicles the damage of Hurricane Katrina, with narration by the Dog himself. Yes, in the midst of a Katrina Relief piece, Randy, presumably in a limo, said "the Dog has come back to his home state." Even in times of trouble, a dog is dog.
Randy on stage, doing his part to give back. This is actually a good cause, so it's hard to kill them for this, but if Fox wanted to donate the money, just do it. You don't need two hours to pat yourself on the back.
Oooh....the Idols in all white singing a Quincy Jones original song that is just terrible, like all the songs are. You see, these people aren't any good. We just get tricked into thinking they are because they compete against each other every week. When they get out in the real world, they will all fail. Two idols have had measurable success after the show - Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood. Kelly didn't get popular until someone completely changed her identity. Carrie has Jesus driving her pickup, so I'm not going there.
Okay, that song is over. Did anyone else realize that Quincy Jones was conducting, um, nobody? Yeah, he wasn't conducting anyone. He was just up there in a captain's outfit, swinging his arms.
Ben Stiller is trying to be funny, and it's not working. Ben is a really funny guy, except when he's trying to be funny. Then he's not funny. In this case, he was trying too hard.
Simon and Ryan in Africa. Or a sound stage in Hollywood with a bunch of SAG extras to make it look like Africa. Yes, I got that joke from Ricky Gervais on Comic Relief, but how many of you knew that?
A young African boy is crying about living in a one room cardboard box with no parents because they are dead. Ryan comforts him by saying, "it's alright. It's alright." No, Ryan. It's not. When you get on your jet home, this kid will be eating whatever he can find. Again, this is a noble cause, but Seacrest is wearing jeans that cost more than the village these children live in.
Simon looks completely uncomfortable on stage and clearly wants nothing to do with this. I applaud that, because he realizes how shameless this night is. If you want to donate money, donate. Simon clearly doesn't care if we do, and I thank him for that.
Terry Hatcher looks like Beetlejuice, and asks us to pledge our money. Then Melinda was safe as quick as that. Melinda, you're safe, now let's watch Paula with a boys and girls club. Paula looked like she let the kids use their paint brushes on her eyelids. Thankfully, they don't let Paula wax extemporaneous and go right to Ellen, who introduces Il Divo, who are really good. And handsome. Hmm....maybe these guys are onto something. Now if only I were tall, dark, handsome and could carry a tune.
Ryan wants someone from the audience to come up, and they pan past Jack Black. Then, (wow) coincidentally, Seacrest calls Jack Black’s number. Jack decides to do Kiss from a Rose by Seal. Jack is awesome, and Kyle Gass is in the crowd with a rose. Jack gets critiques from the judges, and Paula gave the worst canned joke (School of Rock called, they want this joke back). Jack says that Seal would love it, and low and behold, SEAL LOVED IT. Safe the joke from Paula (Simon’s quip that Jack was better than Sanjaya was predictable yet funny to a point), this bit was the best of the night.
To recap – Jack Black, always funny. Ben Stiller, not so much. Oh, and Blake, you’re safe. Let’s move on.
Carrie Underwood has a video covering the Pretenders “I’ll Stand by You” with a bunch of little black kids. This might sound terrible, and I don’t mean it to, but when they keep going back and forth between impoverished areas of this country and impoverished countries in Africa, its really hard to know where people are. They should have just kept this in America. I know they want to touch the world, but there are so many people in this county who need help, American Idol should have focused on them. Just my two cents.
Rascal Flats brings the night to a slow grind at the one-hour mark. Doesn’t the lead singer, Rascal I surmise, look a lot like Alf? Hey Willie, hurry up and finish so we can move on.
Hey look it’s Tom. Am I the only one on Myspace who doesn’t have Tom as a friend? What gives with that? Paula now talks about black lung and illiteracy in Kentucky. Paula is on stage afterwards, and I don’t know what was pumped up more before the show – her lips or her boobs. Let’s call it a tie, and move on.
Crappy Ford Mustang ad singing Queen. This is a great segue into the fact that last season my blog was quoted on the Huffington Post, ripping on Ace Young and his sleeveless shirt singing Queen. I didn’t find out until this week, though.
Staying Alive is lip-synced by a calvalcade of celebs, including a third of the cast of Friends, Goldie Hawn, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Helen Mirren and a bunch of others including RYAN SEACREST. Why would Seacrest be in there? And did you notice that all the women looked like old hags? I mean, Helen Mirren is the best looking woman over 55 in the world, and she looked like a bag lady. They made everyone look awful.
Phil, you’re safe, now let’s show a woman with AIDS die. Ellen coughs up $100,000 of her own money, then introduces Josh Groban, singing with a small African children’s choir. Seriously, where is Paul Simon? He invented the African backing band. If we don’t get Diamonds on the Souls of Her Shoes tonight, I’m writing a letter.
Celebrities talking about the number of funerals they’ve been to, none more than 10 (Gweneth Paltrow has lost some close people, and her makeup bag). A guy in Africa has gone to 280. Malaria kills hundreds of people a day. A mother tries to get her baby to a clinic in time, but didn’t make it. Maybe that’s because they had to let the CAMERA MAN on the truck. This has passed the level of kosher to me. Now it’s 100% shameless, except for one thing…
Ellen is awesome. She’s asking kids to donate $1 if their parents put in $9. She’s almost getting me to donate. Of course, I donate to my own charities, so I think I’ll pass. Kelly Clarkson stole Janis Joplin’s outfit, and sings with Jeff Beck on guitar. I wonder who more people in this country know right now, Jeff Beck or Kelly Clarkson. Wait, I don’t want to know.
Half hour to go…and its either Lakisha, Jordin or Chris who is gone. Now, either of the woman would be a shock to most (I think Lakisha is toast, so that won’t be a shock to me). Chris going wouldn’t shock anyone, so the only other option is that they don’t boot anyone this week, and the votes carry over to next week. They could have planned that in to the schedule. That would be a shock, I guess.
Ben Stiller still singing, and it’s still not funny. Simon getting judged by the Simpsons. With Simon doing the Pussycat Dolls, as Homer acts like Simon, Marge like Randy (Dog) and Lisa like Paula – full of loopiness. Then Bart throws in the line of the night, with a DUNKLEMAN REFERENCE. Seacrest liked that, as he sold his soul for someone to kill Dunkleman.
Wait, Lakisha is safe? Now I’m shocked. Jordin might be gone? Hmm. That’d stink. Can’t we vote off Sanjaya again? Now I really think they don’t boot anyone off b/c it’s such a special night. I’m pretty certain of it. At least I hope, because Jordin is the only one I don’t hate at this point.
Celine Dion doing a duet with Elvis. I wonder if that’s a filter on her and she’s on stage live…or is she in Vegas actually with Elvis? The Idols sing backup for the King and Celine. Let’s think back to the beginning. Who does Earth Wind and Fire have naked pictures of to get on this show? Josh Groban, Il Divo, Rascal Flats, some random former winners, Celine Dion, ELVIS and Bono to come….why would EWF be there, if not to sweep up the stage after the show is over?
Madonna with a message. I wonder what it is? Oh, it’s donate. Remember when she was the Material Girl? Wow that was a long time ago.
Bono should be coming up. I was going to make a joke that they should do one of those Nat King Cole/Natalie Cole duets with Bono and Sonny Bono. That would be classic. Then – bam – Elvis showed up with Celine. I was close, and potentially much funnier. Especially imagining Bono singing the Cher parts.
Almost at $30 million raised tonight. That’s pretty impressive. What’s not impressive is Seacrest’s ability to ad lib. He’s terrible when his face isn’t plastered to a teleprompter. Man, Ellen is persuasive. Now introduces the “amazing” Annie Lennox. The Eurythmics video of Here Comes the Rain was the scariest video I’ve ever seen. I think I’m still afraid of short cropped redheads because of that video. Annie singing Bridge Over Troubled Waters, in terrible fashion, then just gets up from the piano halfway through the song, and some dude takes over. Why not just do the whole song that way? How self-serving was that? Hey, you know who would have been great singing that song? PAUL SIMON. What he hell is going on here?
You’re welcome.
Five minutes left. Rob Schneider says he’s Sandler, which was actually funny. No Bono, and we’re down to the final two. Chris and Jordin. She’s panicking. Chris is safe. Jordin is safe too. I’m right. You’re welcome. Votes carry over, and they did a major screw job with Jordin. However, the shock is that two go home next week.
WAIT A MINUTE. Bono is on TAPE. What the hell is this? That guy is such a douchebag. He never does anything live. Whenever he’s on something, he’s never there. He’s still one of the coolest five people on the planet (with Brad Pitt, George Clooney and two other people I can’t figure out right now).
The finalists sing American Prayer, which means they knew they were closing the show together. Would they have kicked someone off and NOT let them sing a solo? That’s not right, so the six had to know they were all safe. Even the “in no order” thing was a dead giveaway. I can’t believe it took me that long to figure it out.
What a total let down. I can’t be more mad at Bono. I mean, I knew he’d punk out and not show up live, but I figured he’d pull one of those “live on stage in Hong Kong” things. The fact that he was actually in LA, but didn’t stay for the show is BS.
Okay, America voted, and gave money. I gave two hours writing to you. I feel better, and I hope you do too.
Good to be back….
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Shop For a Good Cause
Hey everyone,
Last year, I introduced my new online shop. Over the past 12 months, we have done well, but no items have sold better than those in conjunction with Tony Kornheiser's radio show. For those who didn't know, this venture started with a simple design commemorating Phil the Showkiller's mom picking George Mason to win the national championship. She came close - after much ridicule - and I thought it would be fun to make a shirt honoring her selection. I expected to sell 5-10 shirts, but with Tony's constant radio plugs, we sold hundreds of items.
On his last day on the radio before leaving for Monday Night Football, Tony announced that I had designed several new "Mr. Tony" products. Over 50 sold that day. Orders are still coming in for Mr. Tony products, and he hasn't been on the radio in months. Being on TV every day doesn't hurt, though.
Tony is coming back to radio on February 20. He will be on Washington Post Radio from 8:30-10:30 every morning, with a replay of the show from 10:30-12:30. You can listen to the show at www.washpostradio.com or in the DC area on 1500AM (the old WTOP signal). I may be a little biased, but it's the BEST radio show out there. It's not a sports show. It's not a news program. It's everything, delivered by a snarky, subversive malcontent, who - oh by the way - is really, really funny.
Also, while you are surfing the internet, please check out my store. I have a few new "Mr. Tony" designs to coincide with his return to radio. There are hundreds of products to choose from, including t-shirts, hats, mugs, mouse pads, magnets, posters and even clothes for your baby or dog! I'm really happy with the new designs, and even Tony himself asked when he's ever looked that handsome.
To check out my store, visit 609design.com/shop.html
All proceeds from the "Mr. Tony" items sold on my store go to the DC College Access program. DC-CAP is a non-profit that provides counseling and financial assistance to students who might otherwise never have the opportunity to go to college. You can visit their website at www.dccap.org
Please forward this email to anyone who is a fan of Tony Kornheiser, or just a fan of helping a good cause. With your help, we can raise a lot of money this year.
Thanks,
Dan
Last year, I introduced my new online shop. Over the past 12 months, we have done well, but no items have sold better than those in conjunction with Tony Kornheiser's radio show. For those who didn't know, this venture started with a simple design commemorating Phil the Showkiller's mom picking George Mason to win the national championship. She came close - after much ridicule - and I thought it would be fun to make a shirt honoring her selection. I expected to sell 5-10 shirts, but with Tony's constant radio plugs, we sold hundreds of items.
On his last day on the radio before leaving for Monday Night Football, Tony announced that I had designed several new "Mr. Tony" products. Over 50 sold that day. Orders are still coming in for Mr. Tony products, and he hasn't been on the radio in months. Being on TV every day doesn't hurt, though.
Tony is coming back to radio on February 20. He will be on Washington Post Radio from 8:30-10:30 every morning, with a replay of the show from 10:30-12:30. You can listen to the show at www.washpostradio.com or in the DC area on 1500AM (the old WTOP signal). I may be a little biased, but it's the BEST radio show out there. It's not a sports show. It's not a news program. It's everything, delivered by a snarky, subversive malcontent, who - oh by the way - is really, really funny.
Also, while you are surfing the internet, please check out my store. I have a few new "Mr. Tony" designs to coincide with his return to radio. There are hundreds of products to choose from, including t-shirts, hats, mugs, mouse pads, magnets, posters and even clothes for your baby or dog! I'm really happy with the new designs, and even Tony himself asked when he's ever looked that handsome.
To check out my store, visit 609design.com/shop.html
All proceeds from the "Mr. Tony" items sold on my store go to the DC College Access program. DC-CAP is a non-profit that provides counseling and financial assistance to students who might otherwise never have the opportunity to go to college. You can visit their website at www.dccap.org
Please forward this email to anyone who is a fan of Tony Kornheiser, or just a fan of helping a good cause. With your help, we can raise a lot of money this year.
Thanks,
Dan
Friday, January 19, 2007
Preying on False Idols
I created this blog space because I wanted to something a little more this year than my typical myspace blog. Last year, I developed a small following with my American Idol blog, and while I will try to do some Idol blogs on this site, I hope to expand to many other topics involving not just TV, but all popular culture. That said, my goal in life is to design t-shirts (Shameless Plug) and be a TV critic. So here goes....
That said, the first order of business is, of course, the most popular show in the last decade: Idol.
If you are reading this, forward it to people, b/c if I'm doing this, I want as many people as possible to read it. Thanks!
----------------------------
Fox is raking in the cash once again from its number one show. Sorry 24 fans, but this baby is a cash cow the likes that Jack has never seen.
I am concerned that Fox is on autopilot with the show right now, and I've noticed several things in the first few episodes that really should concern the brass at the nation's tawdriest network.
First, they are getting too obvious with their selections to Hollywood, and even have gone so far as to NOT show 10 of the 14 people from a city who were good enough to get a ticket. They, instead, load up 100 minutes with their nightly freak show, because making fun of freaks drives ratings in these early episodes.
Fox also does a decent job of editing the auditions together, making them look "live" from the time the contestant enters until he or she exits. Then at the end of the episode, they do a "freak show" montage with their song of the day. Obviously, they take the time out of some part of the audition to make them do that song. It's either that, or they ask them to come back after making them cry, just to humiliate them again. And don't think most of the judges reactions are to the actual contestant at the time. Those responses are so canned, they may even be from a previous season. The show has become so overproduced, in an effort to tell a story making fun of as many freaks as possible.
Don't get me wrong, I think most of them are hilarious. My favorite from Seattle was the woman whose husband didn't support her, but she thought he was just going to miss her. Uh, not exactly lady. He just realized that you're terrible. I told my wife that if she ever did that, I'd divorce her. To which she replied, "you embarass us on national TV all the time." I couldn't argue with that.
Fox is on a slippery slope with this, however. My wife, who is a doctor of one of the soft sciences, mentioned by watching two minutes of footage that the 27 year old guy (forget the name) who had the really wide open eyes and sang Unchained Melody - pretty much the guy they centered the entire Seattle episode around - most likely has Asperger Syndrome. If you don't believe her, read this description of the syndrome.
Asperger Syndrome or (Asperger's Disorder) is a neurobiological disorder named for a Viennese physician, Hans Asperger, who in 1944 published a paper which described a pattern of behaviors in several young boys who had normal intelligence and language development, but who also exhibited autistic-like behaviors and marked deficiencies in social and communication skills.
Now I've never applied to be on the show, so I'm not sure exactly what they ask on the fact checking questionnaire, but I'm pretty certain they don't do Psych profiles on all 10,000 applicants in each city. More than likely, Fox was making fun of a young man with a pretty serious disorder - and they duped America to come along for the ride.
The other thing it's evident Fox doesn't check for is narcotics in each contestant's system. I don't know if it's just Seattle, or the other cities will have them as well, but there were enough meth heads that made TV to never make me want to visit the Emerald City. I know that they've had a lot of trash on the show over the years, but there were people who were actively on drugs during their auditions. You can see it in their faces too. They've been mess up on meth. I don't know how to describe it, but look at the bizzaro Taylor Hicks's face, and you know he's hooked on junk. Half his lip hangs down, his teeth are sideways, he has bags under his bags under his eyes. But, he was crazy, he was out of control (like when he tried to touch Simon), so let's get him on during the prime ratings slot of the show, go to his job, and, of course, promote him on our commercials.
Not to be outdone, Red - the last contestant - was clearly using something too. It's like these guys say, 'let's huff some glue, go wait in line for two days, huff a little more, and get on TV.' And Fox bites. So do we.
Look, there are four types of people who audition for this show. First, the mediocre, no talent, no personality people who don't get on TV because they can't get past the cross checkers There are about 90% of those people in every city. Next are the people who actually go to try and win. Most of them can sing a little, some very well. But in a city with 10,000 applicants, just over 1/10th of one percent of them get to Hollywood. Your odds are better of getting hit by a car on the way to the audition than they are of even getting to Hollywood, let alone in the finals.
Next are the dillusional people who have absolutely no shot of ever getting famous, so they go on this show because someone in their lives told them it was a good idea. Those people get on TV just to be made fun of. And their presence on the show entices Joe and Jane Fan at home to say, "hell, I'm better than them. I should try out next year." The cycle may never end.
Last are the people who just go to get on TV. They dress up, they act crazy, they do anything to get on TV. For a few years, Fox wasn't putting them on as much, but it seems that more and more, they don't care if the contestant is in on the joke, as long as 37 million of us are watching the punchline.
Makes you wonder who the joke is really on.
That said, the first order of business is, of course, the most popular show in the last decade: Idol.
If you are reading this, forward it to people, b/c if I'm doing this, I want as many people as possible to read it. Thanks!
----------------------------
Fox is raking in the cash once again from its number one show. Sorry 24 fans, but this baby is a cash cow the likes that Jack has never seen.
I am concerned that Fox is on autopilot with the show right now, and I've noticed several things in the first few episodes that really should concern the brass at the nation's tawdriest network.
First, they are getting too obvious with their selections to Hollywood, and even have gone so far as to NOT show 10 of the 14 people from a city who were good enough to get a ticket. They, instead, load up 100 minutes with their nightly freak show, because making fun of freaks drives ratings in these early episodes.
Fox also does a decent job of editing the auditions together, making them look "live" from the time the contestant enters until he or she exits. Then at the end of the episode, they do a "freak show" montage with their song of the day. Obviously, they take the time out of some part of the audition to make them do that song. It's either that, or they ask them to come back after making them cry, just to humiliate them again. And don't think most of the judges reactions are to the actual contestant at the time. Those responses are so canned, they may even be from a previous season. The show has become so overproduced, in an effort to tell a story making fun of as many freaks as possible.
Don't get me wrong, I think most of them are hilarious. My favorite from Seattle was the woman whose husband didn't support her, but she thought he was just going to miss her. Uh, not exactly lady. He just realized that you're terrible. I told my wife that if she ever did that, I'd divorce her. To which she replied, "you embarass us on national TV all the time." I couldn't argue with that.
Fox is on a slippery slope with this, however. My wife, who is a doctor of one of the soft sciences, mentioned by watching two minutes of footage that the 27 year old guy (forget the name) who had the really wide open eyes and sang Unchained Melody - pretty much the guy they centered the entire Seattle episode around - most likely has Asperger Syndrome. If you don't believe her, read this description of the syndrome.
Asperger Syndrome or (Asperger's Disorder) is a neurobiological disorder named for a Viennese physician, Hans Asperger, who in 1944 published a paper which described a pattern of behaviors in several young boys who had normal intelligence and language development, but who also exhibited autistic-like behaviors and marked deficiencies in social and communication skills.
Now I've never applied to be on the show, so I'm not sure exactly what they ask on the fact checking questionnaire, but I'm pretty certain they don't do Psych profiles on all 10,000 applicants in each city. More than likely, Fox was making fun of a young man with a pretty serious disorder - and they duped America to come along for the ride.
The other thing it's evident Fox doesn't check for is narcotics in each contestant's system. I don't know if it's just Seattle, or the other cities will have them as well, but there were enough meth heads that made TV to never make me want to visit the Emerald City. I know that they've had a lot of trash on the show over the years, but there were people who were actively on drugs during their auditions. You can see it in their faces too. They've been mess up on meth. I don't know how to describe it, but look at the bizzaro Taylor Hicks's face, and you know he's hooked on junk. Half his lip hangs down, his teeth are sideways, he has bags under his bags under his eyes. But, he was crazy, he was out of control (like when he tried to touch Simon), so let's get him on during the prime ratings slot of the show, go to his job, and, of course, promote him on our commercials.
Not to be outdone, Red - the last contestant - was clearly using something too. It's like these guys say, 'let's huff some glue, go wait in line for two days, huff a little more, and get on TV.' And Fox bites. So do we.
Look, there are four types of people who audition for this show. First, the mediocre, no talent, no personality people who don't get on TV because they can't get past the cross checkers There are about 90% of those people in every city. Next are the people who actually go to try and win. Most of them can sing a little, some very well. But in a city with 10,000 applicants, just over 1/10th of one percent of them get to Hollywood. Your odds are better of getting hit by a car on the way to the audition than they are of even getting to Hollywood, let alone in the finals.
Next are the dillusional people who have absolutely no shot of ever getting famous, so they go on this show because someone in their lives told them it was a good idea. Those people get on TV just to be made fun of. And their presence on the show entices Joe and Jane Fan at home to say, "hell, I'm better than them. I should try out next year." The cycle may never end.
Last are the people who just go to get on TV. They dress up, they act crazy, they do anything to get on TV. For a few years, Fox wasn't putting them on as much, but it seems that more and more, they don't care if the contestant is in on the joke, as long as 37 million of us are watching the punchline.
Makes you wonder who the joke is really on.
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