American Idol Gives Back...and so do I

American Idol is giving back tonight...and so am I. One time only blog for you, because I love. (This is incredibly long, and totally disjointed because I’m doing it live, so deal with it.)

The show opens on a stumble, as Seacrest forgot he was on LIVE TV. They usually put the intro in the can, but today was live, and now we know why. Ryan comes out of the, ahem, scoreboard, to let us know that it's the most shocking result ever. Meaning, Lakisha is gone. I don't think Melinda is gone, so it has to be Lakisha.

Ryan calls the 70 million votes a world record. Give that man a Guiness, they broke a world voting record for text messaging. The Idol gives back-a-thon is going off book, and they've got Ellen Degeneres and she's already making fun of Seacrest's announcement of imminent (two hours from now) shock.

Ellen, who parenthetically, dresses better than Seacrest and is a better host than Seacrest, dabbles into a little Salt N Pepa, but stops before admitting that her weakness is, in fact, men. We're on to you, Ellen.

Getting the show kicked off the right way with a little Earth, Wind and Fire, featuring the greatest androgynously moustachioed bass player in Verdine White. My wife asked, "what is this, the Poconos?" Seriously, they kick the show off with EWF? That's almost as depressing as....

Randy Jackson chronicles the damage of Hurricane Katrina, with narration by the Dog himself. Yes, in the midst of a Katrina Relief piece, Randy, presumably in a limo, said "the Dog has come back to his home state." Even in times of trouble, a dog is dog.

Randy on stage, doing his part to give back. This is actually a good cause, so it's hard to kill them for this, but if Fox wanted to donate the money, just do it. You don't need two hours to pat yourself on the back.

Oooh....the Idols in all white singing a Quincy Jones original song that is just terrible, like all the songs are. You see, these people aren't any good. We just get tricked into thinking they are because they compete against each other every week. When they get out in the real world, they will all fail. Two idols have had measurable success after the show - Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood. Kelly didn't get popular until someone completely changed her identity. Carrie has Jesus driving her pickup, so I'm not going there.

Okay, that song is over. Did anyone else realize that Quincy Jones was conducting, um, nobody? Yeah, he wasn't conducting anyone. He was just up there in a captain's outfit, swinging his arms.

Ben Stiller is trying to be funny, and it's not working. Ben is a really funny guy, except when he's trying to be funny. Then he's not funny. In this case, he was trying too hard.

Simon and Ryan in Africa. Or a sound stage in Hollywood with a bunch of SAG extras to make it look like Africa. Yes, I got that joke from Ricky Gervais on Comic Relief, but how many of you knew that?

A young African boy is crying about living in a one room cardboard box with no parents because they are dead. Ryan comforts him by saying, "it's alright. It's alright." No, Ryan. It's not. When you get on your jet home, this kid will be eating whatever he can find. Again, this is a noble cause, but Seacrest is wearing jeans that cost more than the village these children live in.

Simon looks completely uncomfortable on stage and clearly wants nothing to do with this. I applaud that, because he realizes how shameless this night is. If you want to donate money, donate. Simon clearly doesn't care if we do, and I thank him for that.

Terry Hatcher looks like Beetlejuice, and asks us to pledge our money. Then Melinda was safe as quick as that. Melinda, you're safe, now let's watch Paula with a boys and girls club. Paula looked like she let the kids use their paint brushes on her eyelids. Thankfully, they don't let Paula wax extemporaneous and go right to Ellen, who introduces Il Divo, who are really good. And handsome. Hmm....maybe these guys are onto something. Now if only I were tall, dark, handsome and could carry a tune.

Ryan wants someone from the audience to come up, and they pan past Jack Black. Then, (wow) coincidentally, Seacrest calls Jack Black’s number. Jack decides to do Kiss from a Rose by Seal. Jack is awesome, and Kyle Gass is in the crowd with a rose. Jack gets critiques from the judges, and Paula gave the worst canned joke (School of Rock called, they want this joke back). Jack says that Seal would love it, and low and behold, SEAL LOVED IT. Safe the joke from Paula (Simon’s quip that Jack was better than Sanjaya was predictable yet funny to a point), this bit was the best of the night.

To recap – Jack Black, always funny. Ben Stiller, not so much. Oh, and Blake, you’re safe. Let’s move on.

Carrie Underwood has a video covering the Pretenders “I’ll Stand by You” with a bunch of little black kids. This might sound terrible, and I don’t mean it to, but when they keep going back and forth between impoverished areas of this country and impoverished countries in Africa, its really hard to know where people are. They should have just kept this in America. I know they want to touch the world, but there are so many people in this county who need help, American Idol should have focused on them. Just my two cents.

Rascal Flats brings the night to a slow grind at the one-hour mark. Doesn’t the lead singer, Rascal I surmise, look a lot like Alf? Hey Willie, hurry up and finish so we can move on.

Hey look it’s Tom. Am I the only one on Myspace who doesn’t have Tom as a friend? What gives with that? Paula now talks about black lung and illiteracy in Kentucky. Paula is on stage afterwards, and I don’t know what was pumped up more before the show – her lips or her boobs. Let’s call it a tie, and move on.

Crappy Ford Mustang ad singing Queen. This is a great segue into the fact that last season my blog was quoted on the Huffington Post, ripping on Ace Young and his sleeveless shirt singing Queen. I didn’t find out until this week, though.

Staying Alive is lip-synced by a calvalcade of celebs, including a third of the cast of Friends, Goldie Hawn, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Helen Mirren and a bunch of others including RYAN SEACREST. Why would Seacrest be in there? And did you notice that all the women looked like old hags? I mean, Helen Mirren is the best looking woman over 55 in the world, and she looked like a bag lady. They made everyone look awful.

Phil, you’re safe, now let’s show a woman with AIDS die. Ellen coughs up $100,000 of her own money, then introduces Josh Groban, singing with a small African children’s choir. Seriously, where is Paul Simon? He invented the African backing band. If we don’t get Diamonds on the Souls of Her Shoes tonight, I’m writing a letter.

Celebrities talking about the number of funerals they’ve been to, none more than 10 (Gweneth Paltrow has lost some close people, and her makeup bag). A guy in Africa has gone to 280. Malaria kills hundreds of people a day. A mother tries to get her baby to a clinic in time, but didn’t make it. Maybe that’s because they had to let the CAMERA MAN on the truck. This has passed the level of kosher to me. Now it’s 100% shameless, except for one thing…

Ellen is awesome. She’s asking kids to donate $1 if their parents put in $9. She’s almost getting me to donate. Of course, I donate to my own charities, so I think I’ll pass. Kelly Clarkson stole Janis Joplin’s outfit, and sings with Jeff Beck on guitar. I wonder who more people in this country know right now, Jeff Beck or Kelly Clarkson. Wait, I don’t want to know.

Half hour to go…and its either Lakisha, Jordin or Chris who is gone. Now, either of the woman would be a shock to most (I think Lakisha is toast, so that won’t be a shock to me). Chris going wouldn’t shock anyone, so the only other option is that they don’t boot anyone this week, and the votes carry over to next week. They could have planned that in to the schedule. That would be a shock, I guess.

Ben Stiller still singing, and it’s still not funny. Simon getting judged by the Simpsons. With Simon doing the Pussycat Dolls, as Homer acts like Simon, Marge like Randy (Dog) and Lisa like Paula – full of loopiness. Then Bart throws in the line of the night, with a DUNKLEMAN REFERENCE. Seacrest liked that, as he sold his soul for someone to kill Dunkleman.

Wait, Lakisha is safe? Now I’m shocked. Jordin might be gone? Hmm. That’d stink. Can’t we vote off Sanjaya again? Now I really think they don’t boot anyone off b/c it’s such a special night. I’m pretty certain of it. At least I hope, because Jordin is the only one I don’t hate at this point.

Celine Dion doing a duet with Elvis. I wonder if that’s a filter on her and she’s on stage live…or is she in Vegas actually with Elvis? The Idols sing backup for the King and Celine. Let’s think back to the beginning. Who does Earth Wind and Fire have naked pictures of to get on this show? Josh Groban, Il Divo, Rascal Flats, some random former winners, Celine Dion, ELVIS and Bono to come….why would EWF be there, if not to sweep up the stage after the show is over?

Madonna with a message. I wonder what it is? Oh, it’s donate. Remember when she was the Material Girl? Wow that was a long time ago.

Bono should be coming up. I was going to make a joke that they should do one of those Nat King Cole/Natalie Cole duets with Bono and Sonny Bono. That would be classic. Then – bam – Elvis showed up with Celine. I was close, and potentially much funnier. Especially imagining Bono singing the Cher parts.

Almost at $30 million raised tonight. That’s pretty impressive. What’s not impressive is Seacrest’s ability to ad lib. He’s terrible when his face isn’t plastered to a teleprompter. Man, Ellen is persuasive. Now introduces the “amazing” Annie Lennox. The Eurythmics video of Here Comes the Rain was the scariest video I’ve ever seen. I think I’m still afraid of short cropped redheads because of that video. Annie singing Bridge Over Troubled Waters, in terrible fashion, then just gets up from the piano halfway through the song, and some dude takes over. Why not just do the whole song that way? How self-serving was that? Hey, you know who would have been great singing that song? PAUL SIMON. What he hell is going on here?

You’re welcome.

Five minutes left. Rob Schneider says he’s Sandler, which was actually funny. No Bono, and we’re down to the final two. Chris and Jordin. She’s panicking. Chris is safe. Jordin is safe too. I’m right. You’re welcome. Votes carry over, and they did a major screw job with Jordin. However, the shock is that two go home next week.

WAIT A MINUTE. Bono is on TAPE. What the hell is this? That guy is such a douchebag. He never does anything live. Whenever he’s on something, he’s never there. He’s still one of the coolest five people on the planet (with Brad Pitt, George Clooney and two other people I can’t figure out right now).

The finalists sing American Prayer, which means they knew they were closing the show together. Would they have kicked someone off and NOT let them sing a solo? That’s not right, so the six had to know they were all safe. Even the “in no order” thing was a dead giveaway. I can’t believe it took me that long to figure it out.

What a total let down. I can’t be more mad at Bono. I mean, I knew he’d punk out and not show up live, but I figured he’d pull one of those “live on stage in Hong Kong” things. The fact that he was actually in LA, but didn’t stay for the show is BS.

Okay, America voted, and gave money. I gave two hours writing to you. I feel better, and I hope you do too.

Good to be back….