If you're reading this, American Idol is over, and four young (ahem) singers have had their dreams dashed in front of 30 million people. My guess is Jason Yeager, Robbie Carrico, Amanda Overmyer and Kady Malloy. I know, I know, this is totally against what I said last week, but that's the issue with live TV. This experiment isn't being conducted in a vacuum. It's being conducted in front of the entire country, every week. Things change. People can't handle the pressure. People get exposed for wearing wigs when they pretend to be rockers.
Oh, you didn't hear? Robbie Carrico, according to TMZ, is wearing a giant wig. That said, this came out after he performed, terribly at that. So his exposure as a fraud won't hurt him until next week....if there is a next week.
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Regardless of who goes this week, I want to talk about who these people are. Each year, the judges (and producers) try to find a cross section of talent that will appeal to the widest range of people. But lets go back to the beginning. The talent was terrible in the first few seasons. It was a fun show where someone came from nowhere to stardom, but the show really had no viable talent. And a show with no talent could only last so long, right? After a few years, the show would have fallen off the map without viable, and marketable talent.
The producers decided to raise the age limit to get people on the show with more polish and professionalism. The problem is, it didn't work. The talent was still too thin, and the show's popularity hinged on the interplay between the judges. In recent seasons, when that interaction got stale, producers decided to create a back and forth between Seacrest (out) and Simon. The good thing about that 'rivalry' is that they are both very good at playing their parts. There aren't any 'dogs' 'mans' or 'yo yo yo's. And since neither of the two are consistently doped up on pain killers, the banter is somewhat coherent.
Flash forward to this year. The producers became move involved this season to make it "the most talented final 24 in the history of the show." Did we mention the talent is the best ever? Seriously, it's the best talent ever.
If we say it enough, you'll start to believe it. I am a handsome man. Just wanted to throw that one in, in case you are THAT impressionable.
I say this all the time. The show has gone from mid-season replacement to the number one show on TV. The contestants went from finalists we can't remember to people not even in the top 24 getting gigs on Ellen. The show is nebulous. It grows bigger and bigger each week as the cast gets smaller and smaller. And as Simon said this week, it's not about the criticism, but rather, what the contestants do with that criticism. Well, contrary to what the judges want us to think, their opinions aren't the only ones that matter.
Think about how different a person performs the week after he or she is in the final two, yet found safe for another week. Some come out shell shocked and are quick to go. Some take it as a challenge and come out on fire the next week to prove America they deserve to stick around.
it goes both ways as well. Contestants can become fat with praise and come out too cocky a week after being one of the best. The show gets inside their heads. But for this season, it's too early for these singers to hold on to positive praise from week to week. Nobody in America knows anything about half the cast yet, so it's hard to figure from week to week. You have to be good each time out, and if you're not....we'll you're going home.
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So with the popularity of the show, comes each year a bevy of contestants looking for the quick path to super stardom. I guess you can't blame them. Fox and the producers are using them to make billions, so they may as well use Fox and the producers right back. But the younger crop of contestants are a little different. There are eight people in the top 24 under the age of 20, which means that some of them were younger than 10 years old when this show started. Take David Archuletta...he's been singing since he was a tiny boy (well, tinier boy) and shows like this – and a less successful incarnate of Star Search – in hope that he'd be...you guessed it...the NEXT American Idol. Hell, he even sang Imagine on a TV show in Utah when he was 13. He isn't real. He's been bred to be a professional celebrity, from the time he was able to speak, let alone carry a tune. He's reached his literal pot of gold at the end of this magical rainbow he calls Idol. And he's not the only one.
For many of these contestants – those who got into the finals and thousands who didn't – THIS has been their dream since they started having dreams. American Idol is all they know. It's kinda sad. But in a way, sweet.
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Okay........I've been watching the show while writing this. So let's get to the recap. Yeager is gone. Thankfully, that's no surprise. Next, it's Overmyer and Alexandrea Lushington. I thought they both might be the bottom two, but I figured Lushington would stick around another week. Well, I was wrong. Overmyer is safe.
Back from the break they keep the girls on the couch. It's down to the two teens, Alaina and Kady. Everyone in America knows Kady is gone. Kady even knows Kady is gone. Her body language is as bad as anyone ever in the history of the show. And she's safe. In the first shocker of the season, Alaina is gone. There goes my (and Simon's) dark horse. She can barely stand, let alone sing. I know she's only 17, but does she realize she has the chance to sing in front of 30 million people? She MUST sing. And after many, many tears, she sings with the help of the rest of the ladies. I think Kady just threw up in the back. Wow.
Seacrest (out) announces that the final 12 will FINALLY sing the Lennon McCartney song book. Finally, after six years. He also announced that Idol will be giving back again this year. Awesome.
Final guy out is in fact Robbie. Now he can get that hair cut. The video montage showed a few interesting things. Jason Yeager's hair was normal when he auditioned. He PUT THAT BLONDE STREAK IN BEFORE HE WENT TO HOLLYWOOD. Did he think THAT would make him stand out? Wow. Just wow. I'm so happy he's gone. I'm happy Robbie's gone (even though I figured his planted nature would give him a free pass into the finals). I'm shocked about Alaina, and a bit surprised about the Lush (I didn't even get enough time to give her a good nickname). But I was close with the women, as both the women I thought would be gone were in the respective bottom two.
What does this teach us? Well, it teaches us that no matter how many people you have in your corner...no matter how many of your agents get you in front of the lines of 10,000 people...no matter how many judges used to be your A&R reps...nobody is safe.
And that's a good thing.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
American Idol - Top 24 Handicapping
The American Idol blog is back by popular demand. Well, one guy who used to read my blog a few seasons ago asked me to bring it back, so we GOT THE BAND BACK TOGETHER just for him. And you, Mr. and Mrs. Reader.
Let's get right to it. This year is a make or break year for Idol. It's a machine at this point, but when have you ever seen a show last this long without being completely scrutinized at every turn, or falling off the face of the pop culture Earth. Sure, there is the occasional show that stays relevant after that period of time, but how long do you expect a show with people singing karaoke, and then being told by a crotchety (my favorite word, by far) judge that they are doing just that. It has to get old at some point, doesn't it? Furthermore, the problems with the show do not start, nor end with Simon, but rather with the two people sitting to his right. They have become nothing more than shills for the machine that is American Idol, and Fox.
There are 24 contestants still remaining, with four being cut tonight. For some reason, even after they ruined last year by making the final 12 half men and half women – I hasten to say boys and girls here because some of the contestants are closer to fathering a teenager than being one – the producers decided to once again segregate the cast by gender. When they get down to the final 12, we'll be subjected to four or five competent female singers, two male singers trying to keep up, and half a stage full of cannon fodder.
Which brings us to the next three weeks. It has been widely discussed online that many in the cast are hand-picked plants in order to ensure the show's safety from being hijacked by the likes of Sanjaya. That's why the nerdy kid who wants to be a politician didn't get in, much to Simon's chagrin. That's why Josiah didn't get in. That little kid in the house on wheels will be a sensation for 15 or so minutes, but he would have stolen this season the likes that Chicken Little could only dream. The best thing for him, and the show, was not getting into the finals.
So who did get in? Well, the plants are abundant, and it's obvious the producers have four guys in mind for the final 12. Which means there will only be two spots open for eight guys. The women's division is as rigged as the men's, but those hand-picked few aren't as good as the producers hoped. So that side of the ledger is a little more wide open.
Let's get to it. Guys first:
The Cannon Fodder Division
Jason Yeager, Luke Menard, Garrett Haley
There's a reason we never saw these three before Tuesday night. They all stink. I would not be shocked it two of the three are gone in week one. Oddly enough, I think that if Luke gets past this week, he's just handsome enough to stick around for a few weeks. But you know how I feel about senior citizens on this show. The show is infinitely worse since they raised the age limit. Sure the older contestants are more polished, but if you're 28 years old and you haven't made it yet, think of another career. There's just something so desperate about begging for votes on a show like this when you're almost 30. And to compound that, it's even worse when you have a son who is almost a teenager. And, I'm sorry, but WHAT is the deal with the blonde streak in Yeager's hair? That should have disqualified him from the start.
Haley is the sacrificial lamb this season. He's on just to get voted off. I feel sorry for the guy, even if he does look the love child of Robert Plant and Skeletor. Hey, it was the 80s....you never know.
The No Chance Crew
Sorry to say that Colton Berry and the Davids Hernandez and Cook have no shot either. One of these guys may sneak into the finals with a a few good weeks. Or one could be gone tonight. I think Colton has the best chance of being gone, and Cook can put together a good run, but they are all lost in the quagmire of being not good enough, and nobody in their corner to say they were good when they weren't.
These guys need things to break their way
Chikeze leads this category. He would have no shot, but he's the only black guy, and listen...every final 12 needs a black guy. Also, he's mouthy, which we didn't see before in the clips, so that might keep him around if he's smart. People like smack talk, but when you talk smack to Simon and he's right, you're gone quickly. He'd be mindful to keep his trash talking to a minimum and focus on the opportunity the judges gave him.
Jason Castro – who was obviously high on Tuesday – has a shot to go far if he stays as good as he was this week. But the deck is stacked against him with the four the producers want to get into the finals.
The Hand Picked
Danny Noriega is just on this show to infuriate the public, and to start a rivalry with Simon. But I think they want him to get into the finals, then bow out....as gracefully as he can, which by the looks of it, won't be very graceful.
Robbie Carrico is a former boy bander turned rocker. That's all I have to say.
David Archuleta is the golden boy of the season. He's a former Star Search winner, and I think he's terrible, but he's a cute kid and will sail into the final five or six. But he can't win, can he?
Michael Johns is my least favorite. He's from Australia. He came when he was 19 to America. David Archuleta is only 17 NOW. Something is wrong with that. But he's in the final four right now. No doubt.
Now, the ladies...
This is harder because it's going to actually depend on how they do each week. I hate Carly Smithson and her phony story. She's awful, she can't sing as well as they hoped and Randy's unabashed promotion of her is ridiculous. But she's a finalist, and probably in the top five.
Syesha is in a Ford commercial, so she's an obvious plant. But she's the best, and should be in the final four.
Kristy Lee Cook is a plant, with a fake story about selling a horse. Who sells a horse to fly from Oregon to Philly to try out for a singing show? How much could that flight cost? Well, she's not going to be getting that horse back with her Idol winnings, because she's gone....and soon. Maybe even tonight.
Alaina Whitaker is a poor girl's Carrie Underwood, but she's young, and malleable. So let's root for her. I think she'll get into the final 12, but not sure how far after that she'll go.
Asia'h is a little spitfire, and she'll go further than the producers thought she'd go. She was the surprise of the night last night, as I thought she'd be terrible when you forget the sob story of her dad dying days before she auditioned.
Alexandrea's last name is Lushington. But they decided to make Chikeze the one named contestant this week. Nice choice. She was good, and had some good energy. Another surprise to me. Finalist? I don't think so, but better that I thought.
What's less than a one-trick pony? Can Amanda Overmyer be half a trick pony? Is that possible? They hope she goes far, but they better find good songs that will protect her because she'll get old – perhaps as old as she looks and sounds – quick.
Amy Davis is gone tonight, so I won't waste my time with her. Have fun when the car show comes to town.
Brooke White will get in the finals because she's actually good at performing music. Don't they need one of those? No way she gets far, thought.
Joanne Borgella is a plus sized model. Did I mention she's a PLUS SIZED model? Why is that important? She doesn't say she's a black model. Why does she qualify it by saying plus sized? We can see. We know she's plus sized. We also know she can't sing. She won't make it to the finals.
Kady Malloy can sing like Britney Spears. She looks the part, and can sing, but she is completely vapid. She has no personality to speak of, which is probably why she's good at impersonating people. I have no clue what to think of her. She could be gone tonight, or she could be in the final four. It's just a matter of if she can put it together before America is sick of watching air go through her ears when the judges talk. Huh? What? Exactly.
Last is Ramiele who I hated going in, but she was actually pretty good, so she's another I don't know about. I guess if my math is right, it's between her, Kady and Amanda for the final spot in the finals.
Final Four Prediction
The thing you have to keep in mind is that things change every week. It depends on who is left, what style of songs they sing and lots of other factors (judges notwithstanding). That said, the final four will be:
David Archuleta, Michael Johns
Syesha, Alaina.
I've never been more unsure of those picks. I may have all of them wrong. And I guess that's what they want, don't they. So I'm rooting for Castro. I mean, with Fidel Castro retiring this week, it'd be only right to have another Castro hold America hostage.
Good luck to all of us...I mean them.
Editorial note: I wasn't totally wrong, as Joanne, Amy, Garrett and Colton are gone. I'll take that as a 4-4 situation. I'd prefer Jason gone instead of Colton, but there's always next week.
Let's get right to it. This year is a make or break year for Idol. It's a machine at this point, but when have you ever seen a show last this long without being completely scrutinized at every turn, or falling off the face of the pop culture Earth. Sure, there is the occasional show that stays relevant after that period of time, but how long do you expect a show with people singing karaoke, and then being told by a crotchety (my favorite word, by far) judge that they are doing just that. It has to get old at some point, doesn't it? Furthermore, the problems with the show do not start, nor end with Simon, but rather with the two people sitting to his right. They have become nothing more than shills for the machine that is American Idol, and Fox.
There are 24 contestants still remaining, with four being cut tonight. For some reason, even after they ruined last year by making the final 12 half men and half women – I hasten to say boys and girls here because some of the contestants are closer to fathering a teenager than being one – the producers decided to once again segregate the cast by gender. When they get down to the final 12, we'll be subjected to four or five competent female singers, two male singers trying to keep up, and half a stage full of cannon fodder.
Which brings us to the next three weeks. It has been widely discussed online that many in the cast are hand-picked plants in order to ensure the show's safety from being hijacked by the likes of Sanjaya. That's why the nerdy kid who wants to be a politician didn't get in, much to Simon's chagrin. That's why Josiah didn't get in. That little kid in the house on wheels will be a sensation for 15 or so minutes, but he would have stolen this season the likes that Chicken Little could only dream. The best thing for him, and the show, was not getting into the finals.
So who did get in? Well, the plants are abundant, and it's obvious the producers have four guys in mind for the final 12. Which means there will only be two spots open for eight guys. The women's division is as rigged as the men's, but those hand-picked few aren't as good as the producers hoped. So that side of the ledger is a little more wide open.
Let's get to it. Guys first:
The Cannon Fodder Division
Jason Yeager, Luke Menard, Garrett Haley
There's a reason we never saw these three before Tuesday night. They all stink. I would not be shocked it two of the three are gone in week one. Oddly enough, I think that if Luke gets past this week, he's just handsome enough to stick around for a few weeks. But you know how I feel about senior citizens on this show. The show is infinitely worse since they raised the age limit. Sure the older contestants are more polished, but if you're 28 years old and you haven't made it yet, think of another career. There's just something so desperate about begging for votes on a show like this when you're almost 30. And to compound that, it's even worse when you have a son who is almost a teenager. And, I'm sorry, but WHAT is the deal with the blonde streak in Yeager's hair? That should have disqualified him from the start.
Haley is the sacrificial lamb this season. He's on just to get voted off. I feel sorry for the guy, even if he does look the love child of Robert Plant and Skeletor. Hey, it was the 80s....you never know.
The No Chance Crew
Sorry to say that Colton Berry and the Davids Hernandez and Cook have no shot either. One of these guys may sneak into the finals with a a few good weeks. Or one could be gone tonight. I think Colton has the best chance of being gone, and Cook can put together a good run, but they are all lost in the quagmire of being not good enough, and nobody in their corner to say they were good when they weren't.
These guys need things to break their way
Chikeze leads this category. He would have no shot, but he's the only black guy, and listen...every final 12 needs a black guy. Also, he's mouthy, which we didn't see before in the clips, so that might keep him around if he's smart. People like smack talk, but when you talk smack to Simon and he's right, you're gone quickly. He'd be mindful to keep his trash talking to a minimum and focus on the opportunity the judges gave him.
Jason Castro – who was obviously high on Tuesday – has a shot to go far if he stays as good as he was this week. But the deck is stacked against him with the four the producers want to get into the finals.
The Hand Picked
Danny Noriega is just on this show to infuriate the public, and to start a rivalry with Simon. But I think they want him to get into the finals, then bow out....as gracefully as he can, which by the looks of it, won't be very graceful.
Robbie Carrico is a former boy bander turned rocker. That's all I have to say.
David Archuleta is the golden boy of the season. He's a former Star Search winner, and I think he's terrible, but he's a cute kid and will sail into the final five or six. But he can't win, can he?
Michael Johns is my least favorite. He's from Australia. He came when he was 19 to America. David Archuleta is only 17 NOW. Something is wrong with that. But he's in the final four right now. No doubt.
Now, the ladies...
This is harder because it's going to actually depend on how they do each week. I hate Carly Smithson and her phony story. She's awful, she can't sing as well as they hoped and Randy's unabashed promotion of her is ridiculous. But she's a finalist, and probably in the top five.
Syesha is in a Ford commercial, so she's an obvious plant. But she's the best, and should be in the final four.
Kristy Lee Cook is a plant, with a fake story about selling a horse. Who sells a horse to fly from Oregon to Philly to try out for a singing show? How much could that flight cost? Well, she's not going to be getting that horse back with her Idol winnings, because she's gone....and soon. Maybe even tonight.
Alaina Whitaker is a poor girl's Carrie Underwood, but she's young, and malleable. So let's root for her. I think she'll get into the final 12, but not sure how far after that she'll go.
Asia'h is a little spitfire, and she'll go further than the producers thought she'd go. She was the surprise of the night last night, as I thought she'd be terrible when you forget the sob story of her dad dying days before she auditioned.
Alexandrea's last name is Lushington. But they decided to make Chikeze the one named contestant this week. Nice choice. She was good, and had some good energy. Another surprise to me. Finalist? I don't think so, but better that I thought.
What's less than a one-trick pony? Can Amanda Overmyer be half a trick pony? Is that possible? They hope she goes far, but they better find good songs that will protect her because she'll get old – perhaps as old as she looks and sounds – quick.
Amy Davis is gone tonight, so I won't waste my time with her. Have fun when the car show comes to town.
Brooke White will get in the finals because she's actually good at performing music. Don't they need one of those? No way she gets far, thought.
Joanne Borgella is a plus sized model. Did I mention she's a PLUS SIZED model? Why is that important? She doesn't say she's a black model. Why does she qualify it by saying plus sized? We can see. We know she's plus sized. We also know she can't sing. She won't make it to the finals.
Kady Malloy can sing like Britney Spears. She looks the part, and can sing, but she is completely vapid. She has no personality to speak of, which is probably why she's good at impersonating people. I have no clue what to think of her. She could be gone tonight, or she could be in the final four. It's just a matter of if she can put it together before America is sick of watching air go through her ears when the judges talk. Huh? What? Exactly.
Last is Ramiele who I hated going in, but she was actually pretty good, so she's another I don't know about. I guess if my math is right, it's between her, Kady and Amanda for the final spot in the finals.
Final Four Prediction
The thing you have to keep in mind is that things change every week. It depends on who is left, what style of songs they sing and lots of other factors (judges notwithstanding). That said, the final four will be:
David Archuleta, Michael Johns
Syesha, Alaina.
I've never been more unsure of those picks. I may have all of them wrong. And I guess that's what they want, don't they. So I'm rooting for Castro. I mean, with Fidel Castro retiring this week, it'd be only right to have another Castro hold America hostage.
Good luck to all of us...I mean them.
Editorial note: I wasn't totally wrong, as Joanne, Amy, Garrett and Colton are gone. I'll take that as a 4-4 situation. I'd prefer Jason gone instead of Colton, but there's always next week.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Review - Knight Rider
A few weeks ago, in the heart of the writers' strike, NBC started running promos for Knight Rider. Now, the peacock wasn't so desperate that they would start running shows from my youth (one could only hope). They though, however, that people would want to watch an entirely new Knight Rider, with a whole new cast and, gulp, a whole new K.I.T.T.
Listen, this was a two-hour commercial for Ford, which was the first problem in a litany of negatives for this doomed series. KITT (I'm not spending the time to put the periods in anymore) was a Trans Am. It was a Pontiac, which is a GM brand. Heading in to the show, I was furious that the producers of the show seemed to go out and find the car manufacturer who would pay the most money. Five minutes in, when "Mike" wasn't shot like his predecessor Michael was to start the original series, viewers were left to realize that this isn't a remake, but rather a new show with a new storyline. And boy, WHAT a storyline.
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We open the show at the sprawling mansion of Charles Graiman. The power was out in Mr. Graiman's house and two men come to the door to fix said power. Mr. Graiman seems skeptical and asks for ID. The lead man flashes a small badge and the two are allowed in. Less than a minute later, the men reveal themselves in the worst acting in the history of network television that they are, in fact, evil villains out for Mr. Graiman's research, encrypted on several hard drives.
Seriously, this may have been the worst opening scene in the history of television. They wanted us to know that Mr. Graiman is paranoid. But they don't go to the lengths a truly paranoid person would go to, like, say, checking the ID of both men! And perhaps he'd have actually looked at the badge to make sure it wasn't a fake? He ultimately let the men in when they threatened to come back in the morning, but then revealed that he has back up generators. Why not just wait until the morning then, when you already seem skeptical?
Regardless, the men got in the house, revealed their fiendish plan to steal Mr. Graiman's research (always a brilliant move by criminals) and threatened to kill his daughter if he didn't cooperate. Of course, on cue, Mr. Graiman dies in the arms of his attackers. Heart attack. We should all be so lucky at this point, and we're only about five minutes in.
That said, you KNOW he's not really dead. Why? Because he's the only actor anyone's heard of. The first rule of network TV is that the most famous actor is always more involved than they lead us to believe. Watch any Law & Order show and you'll learn this very quickly. But for now, Mr. Graiman is dead, the men scour the house for research we get a pan and scan of all the gadgets the now "dead" scientist is working on.
The henchmen eventually get to the garage and we get our first look at KITT, a Shelby Cobra Mustang. A great car, but they should have stayed in the GM family at least. The writing is so poor on this show, we're subjected at this point to terrible actors reading lines like, "whoa, you can't get this at the dealership." I was half waiting for an actor to pop on to the screen to tell me that – in fact – you CAN get this at the dealership...just log on to ford.com to find a dealer nearest you...before getting gunned down.
Mercifully, KITT got out of there, but not before getting shot at, where we, the viewer, learn that KITT can repel bullets, thus ending the worst opening scene in television history. I can't do justice how terrible the combination of bad writing, bad acting and camera angles that make us feel like we're in a nightmare did just that – this show has been a nightmare so far.
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The next three scenes are almost as bad, as we meet Mr. Graiman's daughter who is a professor at Stanford. She reveals that she hasn't talked to her dad in a while, then gets a strange call from someone telling her that he was sent from her father. "Wow, you know, I was totally just talking to someone earlier about how I haven't talked to my dad in, like, three years and then out of nowhere I get a call from someone on behalf of my dad. I mean, like, what are the chances of that?"
Or something along those lines. Sarah is eventually apprehended by the same goons who were at her dads house and we're treated to great interplay like, "how do you know my father?" "I watched him DIE."
Thankfully, KITT comes to save us from this award-winning cross talk and we get our first glimpse at the car in daylight. Pretty cool. Of course, the gunmen decide to slow the car down by shooting at it, ON A COLLEGE CAMPUS. Now, I know that this show was filmed way before the NIU shootings, but I'll stake my house on the fact that it wasn't done before the Virginia Tech shootings. Or any of the famous high school shootings. Did they really need a gunman on a college campus while people are running around in terror to illustrate how bad these bad guys were? That's the most irresponsible thing I could imagine, and should have been edited out this week in the wake of recent events.
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Let's gloss over the rest, because it can't get much worse. When we meet "Mike," his roommate wakes him up and he's got a hot girl in his bed. Then another hot girl walks in from the bathroom. You see...this guy slept with TWO hot girls last night. That's how cool he is. Nice wingman too, as it seems he slept with two chicks while his friend spent the night with his ear against the wall and his hands in his....we'll leave it at that.
Mike is in trouble, and owes some goons 90 grand by tomorrow or his friend dies. So what's he do? He goes to the casinos to play cards against Phil Laak (aka the Unibomber). Good logic. Especially when Sarah shows up after he bluffed a big pot and asks for his help. When he finally decides, he LEAVES HIS CHIPS AT THE TABLE. This is a guy who was just looking for cash in the cushions of a sofa and leaves thousands of dollars in chips at a casino table without even looking back once. The gunmen are back AGAIN and Mike and Sarah elude them and head out on high speed chase. That was pretty cool, but lost a lot of it's luster when you realize that there's no way KITT won't get out of there. Human error is always the reason for suspense in high speed chases. You know, when a guy checks his blind spot and looks back around to see a baby carriage or a pile of manure in front of him.
Anyway, KITT eludes the villains who in fact don't die, when almost going head first into a big rig. Why? Because they were driving a Ford. Once you saw the Ford logo in the front you knew there wasn't going to be an accident. See, the old Knight Rider would have had that car flipped over six times. But not this new and improved show. We don't wreck the hand that feeds us. The one cool part of the show was when KITT morphed into a silver Mustang right on the road to elude a helicopter. That was neat. But the helicopter was chasing a black Mustang going 120 MPH, lost it, and flies over a silver Mustang on the same road going 120 MPH. I guess the bad guys never saw Cannonball Run.
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The rest of the show is equally as terrible, as evidenced by the first three scenes featuring FBI agent Carrie Rivai, played by Sydney Poitier's daugther. First, we see her on the beach, surfing, to which my wife opined that they were trying to incorporate all of Hasselhoff's roles into one show. Then, we see her in an outdoor shower, getting the sand off. Wow, sexy. Only, she's not. She walks into her beachfront property to reveal a young woman in her bed. Wait, wait, wait, you mean she's hot, she surfs and she's a lesbian. This can't get any better (as sarcasm drips all over my keyboard.) Rivai gets called into work – for the FBI (they are obviously paying pretty well these days by the looks of her house) – and she offers the bed-dweller free reign of the house while she's gone. "Are you going to trust someone you just met last night" the now-revealed one-night-stand questions. Rivai pulls out her gun, cocks it and asks "why not?" or something like that. The wording doesn't matter. The point is, she's hot (not really), she's a lesbian (who cares), she sleeps around (how is this making me watch the show) and she's an idiot. She has no clue who this girl is, and by the time she gets back home, the entire place could be ransacked and the girl 100 miles away. More on this in a minute.
Scene two of Rivai's ever-growing character arc is at the FBI field office where she gets hit on by a clueless agent before heading off to do some work while he does nothing because he's incompetent. Dude, she's a surfer lesbian whore...you'd think you would know that.
Next, she goes to the house of Mr. Graiman because, as we found out, she knew him from years before. The sheriff asks her to ID the body, and gasp, it's NOT actually Mr. Graiman. It's his body double. He was so paranoid he'd been using a body double for years, but never taught the double how to check proper ID. So the double is dead, and Graiman is on the loose. The sheriff immediately picks up the phone to obviously call out an APB, right? Right? In the craziest twist yet, he calls....wait for it....the henchmen. You mean, they paid off a small-town sheriff? Who would have thunk it? Obviously not Ravai, as she continues to give him information, which he leaks to the henchmen in order to capture Graiman. Great FBI work.
---
Oh yeah, there's a plot. There's this Prometheus project the Pentagon is working on that can control AI. Not Allen Iverson, or American Idol, but Artificial Intelligence, of course. Graiman is working on this, and only he and his daughter know the codes to the hard drives. Oh, yeah, and KITT because Graiman told the car everything for some reason. So the henchmen need Graiman, his daughter, or the car. When Graiman escaped, he went to a shack in the woods. Turns out, the woman in the shack is Mike's mom, and they too are estranged. Oh, and she used to sleep with Michael Knight, and Mike is their kid. So not only is he an ex-army, drag racing, womanizing bum, he's also the son of the original Knight Rider.
Mike only learns this minutes before his mom is killed, and Graiman is captured. KITT is getting infiltrated by the henchman who used to be on one of those cell phone commercials (he's the smart one) so they have to drive the car manually and MIke ends up beating KITT up pretty bad by slamming him into the bad guys' SUV. Oh, when KITT is turned on, the car is invincible, which comes in to play when he's turned on seconds before the bad guys' SUV (noticeably NOT a Ford this time) t-bones KITT and goes boom. Everyone dies, it seems, except Graiman, who is safe. Poor small-town sheriff. He was probably just looking out for his family and got pulled into the wrong crowd. That was my favorite moment of the show, when they revealed that it actually was a corrupt sheriff and not another member of their crew who killed the original sheriff and stole his identity. Can't trust anyone these days, can you? Anyway, all the bad guys die, Graiman has one cut on his head and KITT, and Mike and Sarah come out unscathed. Oh, and Ravai and a random cop come to the scene (from the wrong direction – way to keep the theme of not caring about continuity going) to help clean up the mess.
---
On the way to Mike's mom's funeral, they decide to get the band back together, restart the foundation and have Mike drive KITT. They need a guy whose not too close to the FBI (because of all the impending bar fights, I assume) and someone with no family. Since he's going to his mom's funeral, they figured they'd strike while the iron is hot. At the gravesite, we get the payoff for the whole darn two hour debacle. Hasselhoff shows up to pay his respects. He introduces himself to his son, gives three words of wisdom and shakes his hand. AND LEAVES. This is your son. Where the hell have you been all these years? Your mission was over like twenty years ago? What have you been doing? Seriously? And on top of all of that, you shake the kids hand and just leave? His mom just died. How about offering him a cup of coffee or something? My Lord. We just waited two hours to find out that one of America's heros from the 1980s is a deadbeat dad. Great. So you replace the Trans Am with a Mustang, and now you make Michael Knight a bum.
Thanks for ruining everything. Oh, and Mike decided to follow in his dad's footsteps and take on the roll of chauffeur to find out who was behind this plot, and avenge the death of his mom. But not before he gets a kiss from Sarah. You can just throw that 'no family to speak of' thing out the window.
The show ends with Mike at the wheel of KITT with the same old joke they used to use about "So I assume you are going to want do drive." They are once again in the back of an 18-wheeler, driving the streets looking for crime. You'd think in 20 years they'd have figured out a less expensive mode of transport.
Oh, and the best part of the whole show...KITT is voiced by Val Kilmer. I should have picked that up when he started quoting Jim Morrison on that long trip from Vegas to California. Nice career move, Val.
---
I don't know if this show was so bad it's good, or just so bad it's unwatchable. I'm leaning toward the latter. Maybe I just wanted the show to be good. Now, I think I just want it to go away, so I'm not drawn to the layers of hilarity it will obviously produce each week.
Listen, this was a two-hour commercial for Ford, which was the first problem in a litany of negatives for this doomed series. KITT (I'm not spending the time to put the periods in anymore) was a Trans Am. It was a Pontiac, which is a GM brand. Heading in to the show, I was furious that the producers of the show seemed to go out and find the car manufacturer who would pay the most money. Five minutes in, when "Mike" wasn't shot like his predecessor Michael was to start the original series, viewers were left to realize that this isn't a remake, but rather a new show with a new storyline. And boy, WHAT a storyline.
---
We open the show at the sprawling mansion of Charles Graiman. The power was out in Mr. Graiman's house and two men come to the door to fix said power. Mr. Graiman seems skeptical and asks for ID. The lead man flashes a small badge and the two are allowed in. Less than a minute later, the men reveal themselves in the worst acting in the history of network television that they are, in fact, evil villains out for Mr. Graiman's research, encrypted on several hard drives.
Seriously, this may have been the worst opening scene in the history of television. They wanted us to know that Mr. Graiman is paranoid. But they don't go to the lengths a truly paranoid person would go to, like, say, checking the ID of both men! And perhaps he'd have actually looked at the badge to make sure it wasn't a fake? He ultimately let the men in when they threatened to come back in the morning, but then revealed that he has back up generators. Why not just wait until the morning then, when you already seem skeptical?
Regardless, the men got in the house, revealed their fiendish plan to steal Mr. Graiman's research (always a brilliant move by criminals) and threatened to kill his daughter if he didn't cooperate. Of course, on cue, Mr. Graiman dies in the arms of his attackers. Heart attack. We should all be so lucky at this point, and we're only about five minutes in.
That said, you KNOW he's not really dead. Why? Because he's the only actor anyone's heard of. The first rule of network TV is that the most famous actor is always more involved than they lead us to believe. Watch any Law & Order show and you'll learn this very quickly. But for now, Mr. Graiman is dead, the men scour the house for research we get a pan and scan of all the gadgets the now "dead" scientist is working on.
The henchmen eventually get to the garage and we get our first look at KITT, a Shelby Cobra Mustang. A great car, but they should have stayed in the GM family at least. The writing is so poor on this show, we're subjected at this point to terrible actors reading lines like, "whoa, you can't get this at the dealership." I was half waiting for an actor to pop on to the screen to tell me that – in fact – you CAN get this at the dealership...just log on to ford.com to find a dealer nearest you...before getting gunned down.
Mercifully, KITT got out of there, but not before getting shot at, where we, the viewer, learn that KITT can repel bullets, thus ending the worst opening scene in television history. I can't do justice how terrible the combination of bad writing, bad acting and camera angles that make us feel like we're in a nightmare did just that – this show has been a nightmare so far.
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The next three scenes are almost as bad, as we meet Mr. Graiman's daughter who is a professor at Stanford. She reveals that she hasn't talked to her dad in a while, then gets a strange call from someone telling her that he was sent from her father. "Wow, you know, I was totally just talking to someone earlier about how I haven't talked to my dad in, like, three years and then out of nowhere I get a call from someone on behalf of my dad. I mean, like, what are the chances of that?"
Or something along those lines. Sarah is eventually apprehended by the same goons who were at her dads house and we're treated to great interplay like, "how do you know my father?" "I watched him DIE."
Thankfully, KITT comes to save us from this award-winning cross talk and we get our first glimpse at the car in daylight. Pretty cool. Of course, the gunmen decide to slow the car down by shooting at it, ON A COLLEGE CAMPUS. Now, I know that this show was filmed way before the NIU shootings, but I'll stake my house on the fact that it wasn't done before the Virginia Tech shootings. Or any of the famous high school shootings. Did they really need a gunman on a college campus while people are running around in terror to illustrate how bad these bad guys were? That's the most irresponsible thing I could imagine, and should have been edited out this week in the wake of recent events.
---
Let's gloss over the rest, because it can't get much worse. When we meet "Mike," his roommate wakes him up and he's got a hot girl in his bed. Then another hot girl walks in from the bathroom. You see...this guy slept with TWO hot girls last night. That's how cool he is. Nice wingman too, as it seems he slept with two chicks while his friend spent the night with his ear against the wall and his hands in his....we'll leave it at that.
Mike is in trouble, and owes some goons 90 grand by tomorrow or his friend dies. So what's he do? He goes to the casinos to play cards against Phil Laak (aka the Unibomber). Good logic. Especially when Sarah shows up after he bluffed a big pot and asks for his help. When he finally decides, he LEAVES HIS CHIPS AT THE TABLE. This is a guy who was just looking for cash in the cushions of a sofa and leaves thousands of dollars in chips at a casino table without even looking back once. The gunmen are back AGAIN and Mike and Sarah elude them and head out on high speed chase. That was pretty cool, but lost a lot of it's luster when you realize that there's no way KITT won't get out of there. Human error is always the reason for suspense in high speed chases. You know, when a guy checks his blind spot and looks back around to see a baby carriage or a pile of manure in front of him.
Anyway, KITT eludes the villains who in fact don't die, when almost going head first into a big rig. Why? Because they were driving a Ford. Once you saw the Ford logo in the front you knew there wasn't going to be an accident. See, the old Knight Rider would have had that car flipped over six times. But not this new and improved show. We don't wreck the hand that feeds us. The one cool part of the show was when KITT morphed into a silver Mustang right on the road to elude a helicopter. That was neat. But the helicopter was chasing a black Mustang going 120 MPH, lost it, and flies over a silver Mustang on the same road going 120 MPH. I guess the bad guys never saw Cannonball Run.
---
The rest of the show is equally as terrible, as evidenced by the first three scenes featuring FBI agent Carrie Rivai, played by Sydney Poitier's daugther. First, we see her on the beach, surfing, to which my wife opined that they were trying to incorporate all of Hasselhoff's roles into one show. Then, we see her in an outdoor shower, getting the sand off. Wow, sexy. Only, she's not. She walks into her beachfront property to reveal a young woman in her bed. Wait, wait, wait, you mean she's hot, she surfs and she's a lesbian. This can't get any better (as sarcasm drips all over my keyboard.) Rivai gets called into work – for the FBI (they are obviously paying pretty well these days by the looks of her house) – and she offers the bed-dweller free reign of the house while she's gone. "Are you going to trust someone you just met last night" the now-revealed one-night-stand questions. Rivai pulls out her gun, cocks it and asks "why not?" or something like that. The wording doesn't matter. The point is, she's hot (not really), she's a lesbian (who cares), she sleeps around (how is this making me watch the show) and she's an idiot. She has no clue who this girl is, and by the time she gets back home, the entire place could be ransacked and the girl 100 miles away. More on this in a minute.
Scene two of Rivai's ever-growing character arc is at the FBI field office where she gets hit on by a clueless agent before heading off to do some work while he does nothing because he's incompetent. Dude, she's a surfer lesbian whore...you'd think you would know that.
Next, she goes to the house of Mr. Graiman because, as we found out, she knew him from years before. The sheriff asks her to ID the body, and gasp, it's NOT actually Mr. Graiman. It's his body double. He was so paranoid he'd been using a body double for years, but never taught the double how to check proper ID. So the double is dead, and Graiman is on the loose. The sheriff immediately picks up the phone to obviously call out an APB, right? Right? In the craziest twist yet, he calls....wait for it....the henchmen. You mean, they paid off a small-town sheriff? Who would have thunk it? Obviously not Ravai, as she continues to give him information, which he leaks to the henchmen in order to capture Graiman. Great FBI work.
---
Oh yeah, there's a plot. There's this Prometheus project the Pentagon is working on that can control AI. Not Allen Iverson, or American Idol, but Artificial Intelligence, of course. Graiman is working on this, and only he and his daughter know the codes to the hard drives. Oh, yeah, and KITT because Graiman told the car everything for some reason. So the henchmen need Graiman, his daughter, or the car. When Graiman escaped, he went to a shack in the woods. Turns out, the woman in the shack is Mike's mom, and they too are estranged. Oh, and she used to sleep with Michael Knight, and Mike is their kid. So not only is he an ex-army, drag racing, womanizing bum, he's also the son of the original Knight Rider.
Mike only learns this minutes before his mom is killed, and Graiman is captured. KITT is getting infiltrated by the henchman who used to be on one of those cell phone commercials (he's the smart one) so they have to drive the car manually and MIke ends up beating KITT up pretty bad by slamming him into the bad guys' SUV. Oh, when KITT is turned on, the car is invincible, which comes in to play when he's turned on seconds before the bad guys' SUV (noticeably NOT a Ford this time) t-bones KITT and goes boom. Everyone dies, it seems, except Graiman, who is safe. Poor small-town sheriff. He was probably just looking out for his family and got pulled into the wrong crowd. That was my favorite moment of the show, when they revealed that it actually was a corrupt sheriff and not another member of their crew who killed the original sheriff and stole his identity. Can't trust anyone these days, can you? Anyway, all the bad guys die, Graiman has one cut on his head and KITT, and Mike and Sarah come out unscathed. Oh, and Ravai and a random cop come to the scene (from the wrong direction – way to keep the theme of not caring about continuity going) to help clean up the mess.
---
On the way to Mike's mom's funeral, they decide to get the band back together, restart the foundation and have Mike drive KITT. They need a guy whose not too close to the FBI (because of all the impending bar fights, I assume) and someone with no family. Since he's going to his mom's funeral, they figured they'd strike while the iron is hot. At the gravesite, we get the payoff for the whole darn two hour debacle. Hasselhoff shows up to pay his respects. He introduces himself to his son, gives three words of wisdom and shakes his hand. AND LEAVES. This is your son. Where the hell have you been all these years? Your mission was over like twenty years ago? What have you been doing? Seriously? And on top of all of that, you shake the kids hand and just leave? His mom just died. How about offering him a cup of coffee or something? My Lord. We just waited two hours to find out that one of America's heros from the 1980s is a deadbeat dad. Great. So you replace the Trans Am with a Mustang, and now you make Michael Knight a bum.
Thanks for ruining everything. Oh, and Mike decided to follow in his dad's footsteps and take on the roll of chauffeur to find out who was behind this plot, and avenge the death of his mom. But not before he gets a kiss from Sarah. You can just throw that 'no family to speak of' thing out the window.
The show ends with Mike at the wheel of KITT with the same old joke they used to use about "So I assume you are going to want do drive." They are once again in the back of an 18-wheeler, driving the streets looking for crime. You'd think in 20 years they'd have figured out a less expensive mode of transport.
Oh, and the best part of the whole show...KITT is voiced by Val Kilmer. I should have picked that up when he started quoting Jim Morrison on that long trip from Vegas to California. Nice career move, Val.
---
I don't know if this show was so bad it's good, or just so bad it's unwatchable. I'm leaning toward the latter. Maybe I just wanted the show to be good. Now, I think I just want it to go away, so I'm not drawn to the layers of hilarity it will obviously produce each week.
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